It's Griping Hour here in blog land so no one has to listen later...

Sorry, it's complaining hour for me.  Nothing seems to be going right today.

First, I spent the first part of my day cleaning up the trash outside that someone's stupid neighborhood cat decided to rip open.  Sure, I guess part of it is my fault since I put it outside in the first place last night, but since it is so damn cold here now I figured that the cats would be inside.  No such luck.  Nothing like starting your day with picking up trash from the last few days.  So as I was thinking how much I can't stand cats, I opened up my gmail to find an email from my mother telling me that she had to put our cat to sleep yesterday.  Jeez universe, could you be a more challenging lately?

It's winter here in Valladolid.  One of the unfortunate things about where we live in Spain is that the weather is exactly the same as it was in Maryland.  I moved away from Maryland to Florida prior to coming here, in part, because of the winter.  I can't really help that my mental state is not really equipped for it...and for people who don't have this issue- you will never understand.  I wanted to walk the dog for an hour or two today, but it is currently so windy that our table outside is moving so it's hard to motivate myself to venture out.  The sky has been the ugliest color of grey you can imagine for days.  I'm so over it.  I hope they have some sun waiting for us in Maryland.

My memory seems to get worse every day and I can no longer remember my stupid xbox live id and so my profiles on my xbox won't match up and everything is in Spanish so it's even harder to figure out what the problem is.  I am so frustrated with myself and the stupid language.  Last night we had a dinner with politicians here and I think I did okay- I talked to more people than I usually do and most of them understood me - but today I'm practically in tears because I can't do what I wanted to do on my day off because of my stupid memory and my lack of proficiency.  I wrote it down somewhere, but I can't find the paper or notebook it's in and for the life of me can't picture it in my mind even though it was only a few weeks ago.  I want to listen to my spotify, but that too, has expired. Fail technology. Fail.

Last night I was criticized for forgetting things that I had been told.  I just can't seem to get myself together lately.  I mean, I could attribute it to the whole thyroid thing, but they say that I should be getting back to normal soon.  So that makes me feel like I'm just stupid or something and to be honest, at times, it's a little scary.  My memory sucks things away from me- even things I want to remember.  The sound of a voice.  Memories that I'd like to keep.  I can barely remember the beginning of my relationship with my husband and that was only 2 years ago.  But yet I remember things that I would be better off forgetting.  My memory is like a hall of  funhouse mirrors, reflecting nothing or something warped and ugly at the same time.  I'm not sure what the solution to that is and I'm fairly sure that even the best therapist couldn't help with this issue- I've already tried.

Then later,  criticized for being too negative.  Well pardon me for being honest when people ask me about things and how I like my job, etc.  Apparently in Spain it's not considered polite to be honest about such things and you should always focus on the positive or lie.  Excuse me?  Are we still in the same country where people ask someone they don't know if they are pregnant?  The same woman who looked at me like I had two heads because I told her that sometimes I don't like the kids here gave me the advice that I shouldn't have children because it will ruin my relationship- never met her in my life.  Tell me, what is the difference?  The hypocrisy.  The disconnection. It's annoying and it burns me up sometimes.  There are moments when I truly enjoy people and moments when I'd rather just sit here by myself.  I always assume that people are capable of having a real conversation- my bad.

A couple of my students made me feel like a kind of freak the other day because I don't have any friends here and I don't have much of a social life either.  What can I say?  Our lives are busy and I don't always have time for things in the evenings when everyone else is free because I work when everyone else is off.  Anyway, I think it's mostly better to not show myself here.  I feel like a weirdo most of the time and I think people only think that I'm sweet as long as I smile and stay quiet.  I miss my real friends.

I've reached out to people recently and gotten so little response that I am starting to  feel like it's not worth the effort.  I'm invisible, after all.  I'm too shy... too timid... to whatever or not enough of something for people to like I guess.

I guess I just feel overwhelmed.  Too much has been going on lately and I just think I've reached my limit.  Or it could just be good old PMS (which is more than a strong possibility) and maybe days from now this will all seem silly and completely manageable.  At the moment my head is full of the same color that I see outside.

Resolutions and Reservations

Yesterday with my FCE class we were talking about resolutions for the new year.  It seemed like a natural thing to do since we have been working with talking about the future. It also made me realize something about myself that I'm a little wary to share.  I still care about what others think of me more than I'd like to.  I mean, even something as simple as giving them examples of resolutions made me feel a little exposed for a moment.  Sure, I could have given them false examples that have nothing to do with me, but where is the fun in that? and also... I would rather have them think of me as a real person and not an actor.  Is acting part of teaching?  Yes, in a way, but it's not a strength of mine.  I feel a little ashamed about the fact that I still smoke (occasionally) and I hate to share that with people that don't know me well- but they asked! I refuse to lie in the face of a direct question.  Anyway... I thought today I would try to write a resolution list for myself in the hopes that I will actually try to work on it this year by guilting myself with putting it into words that I can refer back to.  Here we go.

1.  I will (must) learn more Spanish this year. 

Seriously... this is not something I can handle much longer.  I feel like I have totally reached a plateau- I understand and can (kind of) communicate on some kind of rudimentary level, but that anxiety is still a big roadblock for me. How is this any different than my personality in English?  In reality it's not... but I am not happy being a person that wants to give more to others that is stuck in a shy person's prison-like body.  I have to find a way to at least make small improvements or I'm gonna sink or go crazy here.

2.  I will stop worrying about the drama in my family and blaming myself for it and other things that aren't my problem.

I should have learned this one by now.  As far as I am concerned, my side of the street is clean on this one- I tried to make amends with some of them by reaching out or explaining myself time after time.  I am not the one to blame for others grudges or bad feelings towards me when I have done nothing- regardless if they are within my own family.  I need to start spending precious energy on people that care about me and actually deserve it.  As for other things that aren't my problem...that is pretty self-explanatory but I have a tendency to internalize negative things in other people's lives and I would like to change that.  Makes for bad self-talk.

3.  I will not slack on keeping in shape despite the weather.

Given that I have thyroid issues, I can't afford to let up, especially since I'm mid-30's now.  No excuses, even if winter is depressing as hell and I'd rather sit in front of the tv/computer/book and do nothing.  Especially after the wake up call I've had this week after returning to Jillian videos.  Life is hard when you can barely move!

4. I will read more non-fiction this year in the attempts to be less stupid.

While fiction is my favorite and I have read a lot this year (just ask my husband who is always complaining about it) including some classics that I never got around to, I want to try to expand my horizons.  Open to suggestions starting now.

5.  I will go back to my own 'style' and stop trying to be a 'grown-up.'

Comfort inside my own skin here is an issue and I'm just not that 'girly' on a day to day basis.  

6.  I will try to go back to doing something creative on a more regular basis.

I really miss design sometimes and my old career.  I mean, teaching certainly challenges your creativity in a different way, but I have been doing some kind of art since I was a kid and only stopped in the last few years or so.  I start something, but never finish it.  I will try to change that this year, regardless of my fear that it will totally stink.

7.  I am going to be less obsessed with cleaning and try to enjoy my life more- the world won't end if things aren't perfect or a representation of me, whatever that is.

Those are the only ones I can think of at the moment, though there is always room for improvement.  I will have to look back later and see how well I've done.

Ink and Masks

There are so many things going on in my mind lately...but I'll just try to share a few.  I am more conscious now of the fact that my memory doesn't work very well and at least one day if I should forget what this was like I have documented it in some way.

After much deliberation I think I have finally made the commitment to ink myself.  I used to be afraid ... afraid that I would choose something that later would mean nothing... or that my skin and its unpredictable sensitivities would react abnormally.  All the fear has gone out the window recently.  One of my brothers has a tattoo that I've loved since I saw it.  Yes, it's religious...but I think that the older I get the more I believe in the things that I believed when I was growing up- the more life throws at me that I NEED to believe it for my own sanity.  I have known a lot of people in my life who I admired- they were smarter and wiser than I was and they were avid believers that any belief such as mine was for the weak minded.  So I hid it.  Years later I care less and less what people think of me and I don't feel the need to put on a mask and pretend that I don't but I don't feel the need to advertise either.  In the past, a lot of things happened that made me question it.  But I  think that happens to everyone- life is meant to make you question. And no, this does not mean that I don't believe in science or evolution. Let's not be ridiculous... but do I believe in energy? connection beyond chemistry?  sure.

I think within families and groups of friends there are always some that you identify with more and although age separates us by more than 10 years, I see myself in my brother and him in me.  And now after the last week I need a reminder of why we are still here.  I want something tangible to remind me and I want some kind of way to honor it in a visible way.  Do I need it? No.  But I think that it will help me to accept things... to realize how far I have come and that some of us don't make it.  I need to believe that they are forgiven, as well as myself.  I have to believe that regardless of the mistakes we make, the love that we give is stronger than error.  And more importantly,that I am not one to judge what is an error and what is not.

I have also been thinking a lot about masks.  The disguises we put on that make us strangers to each other.  They way that we hide parts of ourselves and show the parts that we either want people to see or are comfortable showing.  It's a concept that has long been a part of our vernacular and mythology.  We write novels about it... songs. Camus, Joel, Cohen.  It's everywhere.  But how often do you think about how well you know the people that are closest to you?  Is that closeness something real, or an imagined  one-sided connection?  It used to really piss me off when I was younger and my mother told me that 'perception is reality'- although she was using that as leverage for an entirely different argument.  But it's true for entirely different reasons.  We create our own reality and the impressions we have of people are sometimes only that.

Maybe that is not who they really are. It often isn't and sometimes we find out in ways that shock or disappoint us. Last night my husband reminded me that I'm not always the most observant of the obvious things about a person.  I think that is mostly because I accept people as they are without immediately attributing it to something underlying.  It takes time for me to make those assumptions.  But maybe our impressions of ourselves are wrong as well.  Who I see when I look at myself is likely someone quite different than my husband sees in me- or perhaps not.  In our mind is a private little island.  Your lips are moving and saying something but your mind is somewhere else.  I don't put anything past myself and I never assume that I would do or not do something in someone else's shoes.  That's just dumb and reminds me of a mind-set that sits on the right.  Perhaps naive and impossible, I try to wear as few masks as possible in my life.  I think that I am often honest to a fault, but I feel more comfortable exposing these things than hiding them.  It just makes me feel more human.

O Teachers, Where art thou?

So... I 'm sitting here trying to distract myself by looking for an activity or game to play with my adult FCE students later this evening.  So far, nothing.  I don't know if it's just my shy personality that won't let me like some of the 'game' suggestions or it's that I know I would suck at executing them.  I had a friend in grad school who was excellent at this type of thing.  He was high energy...funny- almost like a giant kid.  That is so not me.  I mean, my students laugh at me sometimes and my 'jokes' but I'm pretty sure it's a laughing at situation and not a laughing with.  Nevermind that though...I know there are some teachers who read this on occasion.  Any brilliant suggestions?  I don't want to insult them by making them act silly... but I think two months into the course we are comfortable enough with each other to try some new things.  This group hates to give opinions on most things... getting them to speak sometimes is like pulling several teeth in a very slow fashion- but very enjoyable people all around.  Fairly mixed group in terms of ages and levels but only one who has a lot of trouble with speaking.

For Dan

My old friend,

I can't be there to say goodbye today so I'm babbling here again.  I hope you don't mind if I write to you from time to time.  I keep thinking and rethinking  and over-thinking everything about our last conversation and trying to recall if there was any indication.  I know that we were so much alike (as you always reminded me) and so for that reason I know that there probably wasn't.  I know things seemed like they were going south, but I had so much hope.  And I guess that you probably thought that this was best.  I just wish that you hadn't, buddy.  I wish that I, someone.. anyone could have said the right thing to pull you back.  And we hadn't even seen each other in years- yet you were someone that I thought of often and more recently, interacted with often.  I feel so invisible here sometimes and it was such a relief to be actually seen by someone who really knew me.  I miss you already.  I wish you were here to talk again.  I remember we said that we would skype.. next time.  If I had known there wasn't going to be a next time I would have gotten you to stay up all night.  I should have been a better friend.  I know that you can't read this and that you'll never write comments here again.... god...it was always such a comfort to know that you existed.  That there was someone out there like you and could always appreciate the same things that I did.  That took the time to think the things that you did.  And this is only coming from a person as on the fringe as I was.  I don't want to imagine what other people must be feeling, but I can't help it.  I had wanted so badly for you to meet my husband and to meet your wife in person.  I was so looking forward to December and the chance that it could happen.

I don't even know what happened and it's tasteless to ask- but I bet you know it's gnawing at me.  I hate the half answered questions.. and I have so many.  In some way I think I would feel better if I knew and on the other hand I know I never will and that it wouldn't change the pain at all.  All I know is that you're gone and that so many of us want you back.  With my whole heart I hope that you have found the peace that you always needed and wanted so badly.  But it's darker here without you- there's no denying that.  I can't stop thinking about you.  I sent flowers back home because I didn't know what else to do- I'm sure you would think it silly and unnecessary but there is no other way for me to be in this moment from so far away.  I wish I was there now with other people who knew how wonderful you were.  Wherever you may be, don't forget us down here.  I hope you know how much I really loved you and that you made me feel special in a way that no one else could.  You were unique...special.  I know some people think that time lets it fade, but you will be with me forever.  I will carry you in my heart.

The running of the turkey

We just got home from our Thanksgiving weekend and I have to say it was really great and full of little details and nice surprises, as well as gluttony.  On Friday we left for Pamplona fairly late in the evening after leaving Mica with the grandparents.  I don't know what it was, but I had a bit of a meltdown on the way there...maybe it was the fact that holidays are sometimes difficult to be in another country, especially ones that I enjoy as much as Thanksgiving.  Maybe it was Friday and I was just tired, but sometimes I start thinking that I would just prefer to figure out a way for us to have jobs in the US... and that I'll never have friends in such an unfriendly part of the country. Sometimes I just miss home.  I never thought I would and I guess that was naive. Or maybe it's just that every holiday I'm reminded of how broken one part of my family is and that fact that I don't really see that changing in this lifetime, not really for lack of effort on my part.  I tried for years to maintain a relationship with my mother's brother who was always a great uncle, but after events of the last year I have just given up trying.  The other day I read something really great on a friends' facebook.  Rejection is my higher power's protection.  Couldn't have said it any better myself.  No longer being a relevant part of the family is painful at times, but I'm sure the thought never occurs to any of them so why should I waste time and emotion on it?  In fact, one of the more callous of the family actually once wrote a blog about how much more she enjoys the holidays now that our side of the family is no longer a presence.  Way to honor our Grandfather.  Why I still care about the opinions of people who would not have survived a day of my life, nor understand anything about me is beyond my comprehension... but my New Years Resolution is to stop giving a crap and pronto.  But I'm getting away from the point.

I admit... I am often ungrateful for the things that I have here and I sometimes need to remind myself of the fact that some things are hard, some things are wonderful and others suck but that is going to be the case regardless of what city, state or country I live in.  The language can sometimes make you feel like an outsider if you haven't yet mastered it, although this weekend I think I handled it pretty well and spent a good part of the time speaking Spanish (trying to anyway).  It at least makes me feel better that I was able to communicate my ideas though I'm sure it was grammatically a disaster.  Two points for effort I suppose... I'm sure it didn't hurt that I was full of alcohol as well.  Again, I digress.

When we arrived on Friday they had made a super impressive cod tortilla, mussels, and a salmon and shrimp salad.  As I said.. the eating didn't stop and it was all fantastic.  Of course now my neurotic husband is complaining about how fat he is and how I can eat whatever I want but it's salad for him until he is happy again.  Whatever.  Thanksgiving has always been about decadence, at least in my family... he has much to learn.

So I brined and  roasted a turkey that was much smaller than the one we requested, but I think it turned out pretty well.  In addition we had cranberry sauce that I made this year with cloves and spiced rum.  Sounds strange... tastes yummy!  Our friends and hosts for the weekend made a potato puree and I even managed to make gravy without messing it up.  Success.  They even put up an American flag and decorated the table with a pumpkin, etc. to make it extra special.  Some people here really are great and I really appreciated the detail of making me feel at home.

Then today, we saw Pamplona and where San Fermin takes place... I will never be brave enough to see the running of the bulls.  It was easy to imagine how people get trampled there, but the city is lovely.  If I get around to it later this week I will post some photos.

Spain, Socialists and Sneakiness

This post sounds like it could be a lot more interesting that it will likely turn out to be but that's a title hazard I suppose. Spain. How is it going? Well... I have to admit that sometimes I really enjoy teaching- particularly with my FCE group which includes some high school students, some university and a couple of adults. With that group it is easy to make jokes and have a few laughs as I am not always trying to correct them or their behavior. It can be unnerving at times because as amazing Dr. Folse from grad school used to always say, they will ask you the 'hot seat' questions that make you sweat- but I learn things from those questions too and I haven't died. At least not yet. It is difficult at times to get that group to give opinions, but on a couple of occasions, at least, it has been a success. These are all good things. Speaking of topics they refuse to talk about. Politics.

After giving the socialists the boot after many years it seems that Spain is finally holding the reigns of their young democracy. I don't pretend to know much about the history of politics here (though I am reading up on it lately), but I do pay at least a bit of attention to what is going on as it does affect me now. No, I can't vote. But since I live here and do take advantage of what I think is a pretty great social security system I feel as though I should. It will be interesting to see what happens here over the next year or two, as well as in the rest of Europe. To be honest, I think either party would have been in a canoe floating up a brown creek given the circumstances... but since Zapatero has become so vilified what more obvious choice than the opposition? Seems to me that's how it usually works anyway. In general I hate politics and politicians (except the one I'm married to) but they are a necessary evil. I just don't see why instead of the slander poo throwing they tend to do to each other, they don't try to come to real resolutions that have nothing to do with 'parties.' I'm sure all of the truly involved activists are all shuddering now and think I'm an idiot but I just don't get it. Humans are all threatened by opposing views but I think the way we play this game should have ended a long time ago. Now that we are in the middle of a real crisis, it seems even more ridiculous. I'm sure that I could have a much more educated view on this if I dedicated more time to it, but I've just never been an absolutist in any arena. I don't agree with all of what anyone says or does. Period.

So... about the sneaky politicians. I am often baffled by my husband's attempts to use poppycock to solidify an argument. God love him. His latest adventure in verbal acrobatics was when he calmly explained to me that the time has come to purchase a second car. Mind you, we had this discussion not three days ago when I told him that he can buy the sports car that he is 'dying for' when he buys me a new couch that isn't an ugly bachelor pad elephant that takes up our ENTIRE living room. Also, that we would wait until we really need it before spending thousands of euros on another car. Perhaps it's my American mentality. I like to save money... sue me. Any large purchase is painful for me and I'm not a big shopper. I prefer to spend hours looking for something suitable that is cheaper than buying things on a whim. My husband is the opposite and often confuses the difference between need and want. That's neither here nor there... I guess it's just that I did it on my own for so long and I barely got by sometimes. That makes me want to save. Having money saved turns my husband into a wanna-be Bruce Wayne that wants to buy this as our second practical car.

Bollocks, I say.

The Big D

So I was talking to my mother the other day and the topic came up regarding divorce and my feelings about it. It's not something I think about on a regular basis, but being the child of divorced parents has affected my life in some significant ways- I would be lying if I said otherwise. First of all, I am the only child between my parents and they both remarried and went on to have new families. Of course, in some way, I am a part of those families too, but it certainly is different for me than it is for my siblings. I am the odd one out for sure. It's not always a bad thing...I think that I have learned and taken things from both units that have made me the person that I am today and I would not have had that experience if things were only nuclear. But do I feel like a definite part of either one? Not really. I am kind of like a satellite that floats around each of them in my own way. This role suits me though, so perhaps things always end up the way they are meant to be. I'm kind of a periphery girl.

Also, my parents did not have a friendly separation and therefore never had an amiable relationship so I really find it hard to picture what they were like together. I can only count two times in my whole life that I've even seen them in the same room. That, to me, is kind of strange. I mean, I have seen their wedding photographs so I know there was a real relationship, but in some way I have to be honest and say that it is kind of like being a test tube creation. My mother and father are completely different people and I can see parts of myself that come from each of them but I can't picture them together to save my life. Even stranger are their completely different reasons for why it happened. I think I have figured it out though- I can't say it makes it makes me feel any better- but it sure does explain a lot of details that never quite fit together before. I don't need to hear the truth when I already know it, you know?

Both of my step-parents though have given me more than I could have asked for and I like them both- in that way I guess I am lucky. To me, they seem like second parents and I really don't make a separation between the two. I suppose for others it is completely different. I think it has to be different for everyone as no two people handle things the same. Do I think certain things should have been done differently for my sake? Sure. But I'm an adult now and I understand that they probably were doing what they thought was best at the time and I can't argue with that.

One thing that is definitely true though is that I sometimes find it difficult to relate to people whose families are still intact. They never have to feel the pull between the two that is hard to explain, even to my parents. It's a reality though, for me. As I said before, it's not something that really affects me on a daily basis but it does come up from time to time and it has changed now that I live in another country. Balance is something that I find hard to find in lots of areas in my life. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be my other siblings and how it looks from another perspective.

Anyway... totally strange topic but it was on my mind.

Things That I Used To Do

Well... so much for keeping up with this on a regular basis. I'd like to say that I've made some great accomplishments in the last couple of weeks but that is mostly an exaggeration. Although, I have made a little progress in learning to control one of my groups. Basically to sum up my experience teaching here I would say that some days are good, a lot of days are challenging and frustrating and I learn something about teaching and/or myself nearly every day. So I guess that is a plus, besides the fact that I have a job in these unsure times.

I've been thinking about so many things lately and it all becomes a big scrambled mess every time I sit down and try to sort it out, but I will attempt to do so for the next few minutes as that's all the time that I have if I expect to work out today and finish everything else I wanted to do before work tonight. One thing that I have been catching up on is new-ish music. I used to keep up with everything and that was one of my main interests, besides design, but now I find that not only is it not as important anymore, I just don't have the time. If I spend a lot of time on one thing, I usually think of all the other things I should be doing like studying Spanish... or Chinese. Yeah, so my husband decided that he wanted to learn Chinese and since they offer at my place of work I just go with him now on Friday evenings since we don't see each other much during the week because of our schedules. It's pretty enjoyable so far and I actually remember the names of objects usually, but forget numbers and colors. So back to the music... I get so easily sidetracked. Here are some of the things that I've been introduced to by friends or stumbled upon by accident that I really like. I'm a firm believer that you have to listen to something several times before it really gets in you, but I can tell that these things will become favorites of mine:

Someone posted Gotye's "Somebody that I used to Know" on facebook and I fell in love with it. The video not only reminds me of a crazy evening of college that involved body painting, but the song is perfect.

Scott Matthews: A friend of mine made a comparison to Jeff Buckley and I had to see for myself. He was right...since he died I haven't found anyone else whose voice could even remotely compete- but I think this guy comes pretty darn close. I always loved Jeff Buckley's music so much and I find these songs from Passing Stranger sneaking in slowly. Yeah.. maybe this isn't new, but it is for me and I've never felt the need to pretend to know it all like some of those obnoxious music aficionados. Yuck.

There are lots more... like TV on the Radio, Smith Westerns, etc. but I'll have to add more about that later.

I'm also getting really excited about going home for a little while, even if it's only for 10 days. I wonder how I will fit everything in that I'd like to do in that time period and I'm not sure when we will be able to go back since we have a wedding to go to this summer. I have to admit, I am happy here but I do miss home and the things that I could do there that I can't do here. For example, I don't really like shopping here and everything is over priced that I can get back home for much less. They don't have any bookstores where you can actually look at the books before you buy them (although, maybe they won't have those much longer in the US either- let's hope that's not the case). I can't go to see shows as most of the bands I like never come ( I would say 98% of them don't come here and stick to countries like France, Belgium, etc...although Wilco did make an appearance this year in Barcelona but the tickets were sold out in a hot second). Which leads me to believe that there are people here that like the same things, but they seem to be on the other side of the country? Who knows. They have scary parking lots here. I know... this is a stupid thing but in the States we give people ample room for their ginormous cars whereas here they squeeze you in like sardines. Literally. I have yet to venture to the ONLY department store they have because of the alpine incline of the ramps and the tiny ass spots. I mean, should you have to fold your mirrors in just to park somewhere? Yikes. And I miss my friends. I feel like their lives move on without me.. and hell, it's not as if I would expect them to stop but I miss exciting things like new babies and sometimes that makes me sad. It's not as if my life doesn't move along as well, it's just not with kids. I guess none of these things are really important except for a couple of them and it's not that I NEED them in my life but they are, or were parts of myself.

Which brings me back to that topic again. I am still on the fence about kids and I go back and forth about adoption vs. my own (if that's an option). I wonder if I'll ever come to a conclusion or if the decision will be made arbitrarily for me. It's not that I don't like the idea. It's not that I don't like children or that I think I am too ego-centric to have them... it's just that I don't know if I trust myself to be responsible for the happiness of a little creature. I mean, no matter what ideas you subscribe to, you are the main resource for all input that a child has.. and well... my kids might be really weird if I'm all they've got!

Well, no time for more. Off to the races!

A couple of weeks ago we enjoyed a weekend of camping at Lake Sanabria. Mica, of course, enjoyed two days of swimming and acting generally crazy. Even though it was only a couple of weeks ago, the weather has changed dramatically since then and now the beginning of the winter is here, although a bit late this year. I always feel a little guilty for taking the dog out less when the weather changes, but I just don't enjoy being outside as much this time of year, so at least she got to have a little fun before I become extremely lazy.

I never did much camping when I lived in the U.S., but here it is kind of a different experience. For one, none of my friends were really into that kind of thing and my family certainly isn't full of campers. As inconvenient as it can be at times, and as much as I dislike public bathrooms, I really enjoy it here. Maybe it's the food... the air... the people. Either way, here are a few pictures from the weekend. Did I mention that I adore this black pain in the butt?

Hypocrisy Tuesday

Well, I know I said that I'm not really into politics and I try to keep my opinions to a minimum, especially when in the company of others. But this is a pretty good article and I agree with Ferguson on nearly all counts. In a time when my husband and I are debating about whether we will stay here in Spain or go back to the States to work in the next couple of years, it's really relevant to me. The application of chaos theory and its butterfly effect is a little too complex for me (as well as controversial), but I think that it's a concern for the rest of the world as well.

Happy Reading.

http://www.thedailybeast.com/newsweek/2011/10/30/niall-ferguson-how-american-civilization-can-avoid-collapse.html

Your trash is my treasure

A post about all of the differences between American and Spanish culture that I've noticed seems a bit daunting at the moment, so I think I'll stick to one positive and one negative for now. One of my favorite things to do is to go shopping at thrift stores. It's amazing the things that you can find there...anything from old and lovingly used hardcover books to a pair of perfect jeans that someone else went through the trouble of breaking in. I guess there is something to be said for not buying certain previously used items such as bathing suits or underwear (Gross! but they sell 'em) but I don't mind the idea of someone elses' behind having been in my jeans (within reason). That's what a washing machine is for after all and thank god for the invention of soap! I used to spend hours in some of the warehouse stores that hide out in Laurel, MD or spend a whole Saturday checking out all of the little ones just for fun. I'm not quite sure what it is about them that I like, but I think the idea of recycling things you don't use anymore is genius. As such enthusiastic capitalists, I think we need this sort of thing to keep us from turning into a giant landfill.

Spain on the other hand would rather die before buying something used (at least according to my husband). I really hate to make generalizations, so let's just stick with facts. I don't know of a single thrift store in the entire city that I live in, or in any surrounding villages for that matter. Last year I had the idea of getting an old piece of furniture and fixing it up for our house and there is ONE place where you can find such things, but they only have furniture and most of it tends to be extremely large or expensive. I'm not really into antiques as it is. Now, of course there are second hand cars to buy and there are some online places where you can buy things that work like Craigslist, but nothing of the magnitude or variety that we have in the States. And well, I think that just sucks. Spain just doesn't like used stuff, in general. I think it mostly comes down to a couple of things: pride and self-image. Spaniards (again, I hate to generalize but if you have ever been here you know what I mean) like to look their best when out in public and they tend to notice and do more than glance at what you have on as well. That being said, I think that labels are important here too and unless it's a vintage Chanel or something equally as expensive it should be of the season or at least something classic. Not old/used. As for the pride, well... people here like to talk. A lot. About each other. If you are seen buying things in a thrift store then perhaps someone might think that you are too broke to afford shopping in a 'real' store. I could go on, but I won't because I'm not a Spaniard and all of my information is based on too few opinions to be considered the unadulterated truth. However, I do think that given the state of the economy here, maybe they should rethink the point of pride and realize that things don't have to be brand new to be useful or even great. My real point is, I miss it and if they offered such a place here I would go regardless of what anyone said about me. I'm the weird/foreign/strange/American anyway, so who cares?

Now, for the positive thing. The food - plain and simple. I think that while there is less variety, the general quality of the food is much greater and is less costly than in the U.S. I don't claim to know the ins and outs of how it is produced, but my guess is that it has to be slightly better than we are doing back home, plus I read the labels on EVERYTHING. Granted, there are fewer options for places to buy if you are interested in organic products, but it is available and not as astronomically priced (so it seems). While I do think that they eat too much sometimes (really- this whole first, second and dessert thing is too much for me), it's nearly all fantastic. I'm sure I could think of more to say on this subject, but now I'm hungry.

Lentils

I wanted to write something about the differences that I have noticed so far between Spanish and American culture and put up some pictures of the camping adventure last weekend, but that will have to wait until another day seeing as how I just spent the entire morning cleaning and now have to take a look at today's lessons and make lunch. Speaking of eating... it's not on the menu for today, but it comes out perfect every time. If you enjoy lentils I highly recommend giving it a try. In the effort to become a decent wife who can cook things that taste decent and aren't full of preservatives, this has become my go-to.

p.s. I never add the sour cream.

http://www.christonium.com/culinaryreview/French_Creamy_Lentil_Soup

I like dog-ears

Every time I read something I like to fold the corners of the pages that contain something that the author said that in some way pertains to my life or struck a chord. However, I only do this if the book belongs to me- I would never be so bold as to fold a page of a library book, though I've seen it done before. So, at the end of a fairly long journey (for me, anyway) with Salman Rushdie's The Ground Beneath Her Feet, I wanted to share a few of them here just for kicks. Some of you might have already read it, but it never hurts to revisit something great (although I must admit that I enjoyed fury just a tad bit more). There is nothing that I love more than finding a person who can put into words exactly the thing that you wanted to say, but couldn't. Whether it be in a book or a song...a movie or a photograph- there is no contesting that these things have power.

"But love is what we want, not freedom. Who then is the unluckier man? The beloved, who is given his heart's desire and must for ever after fear its loss, or the free man, with his unlooked-for-liberty, naked and alone between the captive armies of the earth?'

"What we forbid ourselves we pay good money to watch, in a playhouse or a movie theatre, or to read about between the secret covers of a book. Our libraries, our palaces of entertainment tell the truth. The tramp, the assassin, the rebel, the thief, the mutant, the outcast, the delinquent, the devil, the sinner, the traveller, the gangster, the runner, the mask: if we did not recognize in them our least-fulfilled needs, we would not invent them over and over again, in every place, in every language, in every time."

"The best in our natures is drowning in the worst."

I think we could all agree that this is true. For every dark there is a light; in every being there is both heaven and hell.

"Everything must be made real, step by step, he tells himself. This is a mirage, a ghost world, which becomes real only beneath our magic touch, our loving footfall, our kiss. We have to imagine it into being, from the ground up."

This actually was referring to one of the main characters and his journey from India to England. In some way this passage (in its entirety) reminds me of creating a new identity in a new language. For Ormus, language wasn't an issue, but a lot of the feelings he expressed about it are so similar to feelings I have had here in Spain.

"We underestimate our fellow humans because we underestimate ourselves. They-we- are capable of being much more than we seem. Many of us are able to answer life's darkest questions. We just don't know if we can come up with the answers to the riddles until

we're asked."

"Everywhere there are women sitting alone because of men who will not return...And men also, he adds, longing for women who have gone. Life is a broken radio and there are no good songs."

"Love is intimate democracy, a compact that insists on renewals, and you can be voted out overnight, however big your majority. It's fragile, precarious, and it's all we can get without selling our souls to one party or the other."

"The desire to debunk the extraordinary, the urge to chop off its feet until it fits within the confines of the acceptable, is sired by envy on inadequacy. ... Many of us who are racked by the knowledge of our smallness begrudge the few true heroes their great size."

This could be applied in so many ways, but I think we are all guilty at some time or another of envy when it comes to those around us. Growing up and adulthood seem to alleviate this tendency- but not always.

"Now I know what its like to be inside a laundromat appliance, she joked, but what she was talking about wasn't funny. She was talking about being out of control of your little bit of world, of being betrayed by what you counted on. She was talking about panic and the fragility of being and the skull beneath the skin."

Not sure if any of you can relate to this one, but I sure can. I am thankful that that raw sense of panic and out of control feeling is something of the past and now I am on much more solid ground, but there are times when it seems like yesterday.

"Yet I myself am a discontinuous being, not what I was meant to be, no longer what I was. So I must believe - and in this I have truly become an American, inventing myself anew to make a new world in the company of other altered lives- that there is is thrilling gain in this metamorphic destiny, as well as aching loss."

" When you have no picture of the world, you don't know how to make choices - material, inconsequential or moral. You don't know which way is up, or if you're coming or going, or how many beans make five."

I am not a judge. I am not God or anything close. But I have to say that in the place that I am in at this point in my life, I feel that I can say that I have seen several people that I thought were so close to me make horrible choices, both moral and inconsequential (or so they think), because their world is so small. Traveling and eating ethnic food doesn't make you aware of the world around you, or the importance of trying to learn how to do the right thing. You might say that one has nothing to do with the other... I strongly disagree. I think to truly try to see the big picture... the world through the eyes of another person leads to making good decisions in your life. To those that are no longer in my life, I guess I should say good riddance, but the truth is their absence in my life makes me sad and I feel empty because of it at times. You can't replace family with anger or a grudge and expect to not create consequences.

" In the end I decide it's because although I, we, didn't really know them, they knew us and whenever someone who knows you disappears, you lose one version of yourself. Yourself as you were seen, as you were judged to be. Lover or enemy, mother or friend, those who know us construct us, and their several knowings slant the different facets of our characters like diamond-cutter's tools. Each such loss is a step leading to the grave, where all versions blend and end."

This is kind of in the same vein. I think when someone close to you chooses to betray you, or leave your life for other reasons you really do feel the loss of a part of yourself. I am still trying to figure out who exactly I am without them- it's not as easy as it sounds. Sure, I have my own family now...but how do you forget that there are other people out there who share a part of your history that no longer want to be a part of your future? I haven't figured that part out yet, but I'm working on it.

Okay, that was more than a few, technically speaking. But I really did enjoy this book, regardless of it's difficulty and density. It's funny...this book has nothing specifically to do with the things that it conjures up in me, but there were so many relevant portions. Maybe it's the fact that it deals with loss. Maybe it's just that he's awesome.

What a World We Live In

I know this may not be the deepest of thoughts and it will certainly make any teenage student of mine think that I'm ancient, but I really, really am starting to hate and worry about the 'music' that seems available to the average listener here in Spain, in particular. What I mean is, if you actually have any taste whatsoever there are actually plenty of musicians who are still making beautiful music if you know where to look. But mainstream? I had no idea that it was possible to get any worse than "I'm on a boat." I was wrong, dead wrong. Here in Spain most of the radio stations play a lot of music in English that either comes from the States or the UK. In the defense of the stations here in general, I have to report that there is one station that is similar to WRNR(MD) or things that you might find on All Songs Considered (sorry to everyone who hates npr) that plays a lot of indie, jazz and other alternative types of music. The majority play what I can only politely call crap. It's in English. It's in Spanish.. and it's all different variations of terrible.

What really bothers me is that these songs are readily available to any kid with a television, radio, computer, phone, etc. which is pretty much all of them. I'm not even a parent, but I don't appreciate that these songs are basically telling kids 'Hey, it's cool to talk/think this way...you should too to be cool." Not to mention the utter and complete lack of creativity and annihilation of the art itself. Case in point.



Sure, this song made me chuckle a little the first time I heard it...but after several times it was no longer funny, especially after hearing a 9 year old student repeat a portion of the lyrics in class. Call me old-fashioned but I just don't find it cute when a kid curses. Does this qualify as music now? What the fu** indeed. Okay as a youtube joke, blasphemous as a so-called song.

Moving on to the next disturbing piece of 'music' that I've heard recently over the airwaves in the middle of the afternoon. This one hails from the UK, I believe. Sorry Englishmen, but if this is the best you've got to send over, just keep it. Seriously, the lyrics consist of gems such as "i got a hangover wo-oh... so i can go until i blow up and i can drink until i throw up and i don't ever ever want to grow up"...OR "i been drinking too much fo-sho." Dear Taio Cruz and producers, You indeed were drinking too much when you thought this was a) a song b) acceptable, cool, etc. What is the message here exactly? I certainly can't find a one besides it's super cool to get so drunk that you make stupid music like this. Sheesh.

But what really bothers me the most though is not that this is what they are filling their ears and minds with... it's that there are so many better things that they could be listening to- should be. I guess it all does come down to personal choice and I know that stations are paid to play this 'insert whatever word you want here', but doesn't anyone care to educate the young minds by exposing them to beautiful things that were made with love and appreciation for the influence that it can have? After taking a looking at the state of the education system here(and in some way, the world over) I suppose I have my answer. For me, this hands-off, I'd rather not be bothered, let'sjust see what happens attitude is lax at best and destructive at its worst, IMHO. I know I don't really have a right to speak as a parent, but I as an educator I have some kind of investment in other people's children too and I do care about the outcome. Do I think that this particular aspect will have detrimental long term effects? Maybe. Will they die from it? Probably not. Perhaps listening to Mozart won't make you smarter, but this will surely make you dumber. I'm not saying all music needs to MEAN something, but for me this is unacceptable as an 'art' form. I think I'll go clean out my ears now with something... I dunno, musical.

no news is good news

I don't always want to talk about work related things, but it's what is on my mind at the moment. This morning I got a phone call from the language school that is related to the University here (at least I think that's correct). They wanted to offer me a position to teach classes there from 2pm to 3:30 or something close to that. My other position requires me to leave at 4 to get there on time because what teacher likes to waltz in at the starting time and not have everything ready? Not this one.

When the woman first began the conversation, she asked if I would prefer to speak in English so I of course said yes, but I guess she didn't hear me (not likely). Anyway, I guess the gist of the whole thing is that I turned it down. Not because I don't want to work or because I'm lazy, I just prefer to give 100% or nothing at all and with my already existing commitment, I just don't think that I'm ready to add something else when I've only just started the year two weeks ago. Maybe I should have agreed to meet with them or something or just said yes, but I honestly don't want a life or schedule that stresses me out. Maybe lazy or egoist, but it's the truth. I am more than grateful for the opportunity to work in a country in the midst of a real crisis, but I don't want to take on more than I have to- as I've said before, I've other things to focus on at the moment.

I had another good Spanish speaking experience, at least from my perspective, this weekend. A friend of Rubén's came over for a barbeque with his girlfriend and I really enjoyed her company. Of course, I had to use what limited skills I have in Spanish to converse with her, but I think that I made an honest effort and didn't make too much of an ass of myself. It might seem like small potatoes, but it's a big deal for me with all the shyness crap. So yeah, I can honestly say that I've made a little more progress this year than last year with actually using it. My Spanish class that I go to after work once a week is going pretty well too and I really like the teacher and the other students so here's hoping that 2012 is going to be much easier for me.

One thing I'm really looking forward to is Christmas at home in the States. Last year I was here and so we are going to try to alternate years so that our families have equal time if we can. This year we are going to celebrate Thanksgiving with friends here, so that should be a fun experience (if I can manage to not ruin the turkey). My cooking is kind of hit or miss. Sometimes something turns out great and other times not so much. I mean, not to the point of being inedible, but just not quite as good. I really like making things like baba ganouj or hummus... it's a lot easier in my mind that a roasted turkey. Actually, I just don't really like touching raw meat of any kind. I'm not sure what things I will be able to make here due to lack of availability, but I will certainly try to make it authentic. Of course, we will be adding Spanish things as well.

I guess this isn't much of an update, but if you like hummus that isn't lumpy I suggest that you try this recipe out...just go easy on the garlic- it's more than good.

http://vegweb.com/index.php?topic=18020.0

Welcome Back, Kotter and other maladies

Well not really. These students are hardly the 'Sweathogs', but still. Monday marked the first day of work for me this school year and it sure is going to be much different than last year. Last year I was only required to show up and implement someone else's lesson plans, but this year I am back to planning all my own lessons for 5 or 6 classes. It's kind of a relief because I certainly have more control now, but it's all on me and that is an uncomfortable feeling too. It's stupid, I know.

Let me start off with a disclaimer by saying that this is likely to turn into some kind of trying to talk myself out of being terrified and exposing the fact that I may have chosen the wrong profession-for the second time. Maybe not the wrong profession, but I just need to change myself a bit if I plan on being successful at all. What I am trying to say is, I know that I'm fairly intelligent and I'm sure that I have something to offer to students who want to learn English ...it's just that my own self-confidence sometimes gets in the way. Remember that whole thing I wrote about being shy and reserved? Yeah, not really an asset in the teaching profession unless of course your class is called "Shoe Gazing 101" in which case you would probably be the toast and the crush of all of your students.

My students aren't like this at all. Most of them are dead smack in the middle of puberty, excitable, and very eager to learn. I do have some difficult ones though- the girls who stare into space like zombies - the 13 year old boys who are oppositional regardless of what you say and take every opportunity to mock you or make jokes about your voice. It's like a time machine that takes you back to remember why you didn't like boys when you were 13. But honestly, I even care about them- the ones that make it obvious that their parents made them come and they have no interest whatsoever. And therein lies the problem. It's a strange mixture of wanting them to like me and wanting them to succeed, because the truth is, these guys won't perform for someone they don't like or respect. I don't care what any education teacher told you- it's the truth. I wasn't that kind of student when I was their age so it's hard for me to understand...I admired everyone that I thought knew more than me (which was everyone then) and wanted to be like them. Sure, I had some strange teachers that I liked less than the others... a history teacher who used to talk to his imaginary dog in the corner, the arrogant math teacher who never let me play varsity soccer- but I always respected them. So here I am trying to figure out how to motivate my most challenging students EVER. I don't know what they enjoy except soccer and talking about girls and making fun of me (which is always done in Spanish). They just won't let me in.

Which brings me to the adults. How great they are. They are truly invested in the experience and that's wonderful news for any teacher- the only problem is that I'm afraid I'll let them down. This part of me has GOT to change or every year, week, and lesson is going to be a test of my mettle. It's the part of me that is afraid to make a mistake- like not spending enough time on a certain thing, or not explaining something well enough and then when they go to take the FCE, they fail again (some for the third time). I always care too much and take everything too seriously, which I guess isn't as bad as not caring at all, but I have to find a way to temper this aspect of myself. I have this little piece of paper on my refrigerator that I found on a tea bag that says "Teachers open the door but you must enter yourself." If I could only internalize that. Are there any teachers that can tell me when this part stops?

The other things that have been rattling around lately are of a more somber nature. Maybe it's the weather. Another friend of mine was recently talking about the horrid light that is the Fall- and he's so right- I thought it was only me that noticed how ugly and different it was. It's actually still warm here for October, but the mornings and the evenings are definitely getting cooler. I have always thought SAD (Season Affective Disorder) was kind of a funny name for it, because that is actually what you are. But who isn't a little sad when everything green turns brown. All the trees are pretending to be dead. My itunes shuffle suddenly starts to play more Morrissey, as if it was only a coincidence. Ugh- I hate thinking about it. I am just going to enjoy the last illusions of summer while they last.

What has been bothering me recently is something that no one really likes to talk about. Cancer. They even named a show 'The Big C' because they'd rather not say the word, in my opinion. It's a reminder to everyone about our own mortality and that scares a lot of people. But they are definitely talking about it. That show, Breaking Bad (which I've still never seen), Weeds. The truth is, I'm not afraid of dying, but I'd rather think of it as something far off and not getting closer. But it's something that was always there in the back of my mind. The past few years it has been something that has moved to the forefront because it has affected my family and more recently, other friends of mine. Yes, we are getting older, but it seems like the bubble has been burst and we are now of the age where these things are a reality and not just something you read about or see on the news. And well, that DOES really scare me. I read something a couple of weeks ago about someone I don't even know and her loss and it is still affecting me. I find people leaving messages on their facebook or twitter about loved ones or friends. And now Steve Jobs. What a huge loss. He was an inspiration to so many and enhanced our lives in really tangible ways. Doesn't it make you wonder why these cancers are becoming more and more prevalent? I guess I don't know what I really want to say here- I'm not really up to date on the real why's and how's ... it's just that it's been on my mind and makes me think about my own lifestyle choices that probably aren't the best for someone who has a family history like mine. At the same time, I want to live and enjoy my life and not be afraid. Perhaps the lesson here for me is to just appreciate what I have more, while I still have it. It's such a cliché, but how many of us actually do it instead of just shrugging it off as another hallmark-y gag fest? I'm guilty of doing that, I know. I abhor anything cheesy or overly romantic- but I think maybe it's high time I realize that this gift is a temporary one, at best.

I think I may just have to go listen to something like Craig Mack to make myself laugh.

P.S. If you read this feel free to comment on whatever-this is a text box, not a soap box.

i don't think that this was intentional...

I hate sampling. I am against it for so many reasons, and this is not sampling but my brain keeps telling me that every time I listen to this Arcade Fire song,

that I'm about to hear part of "On the Dark Side" by Eddie and the Cruisers.

This probably means nothing to everyone, but it's bothering me so I'm just saying it. There must be some kind of neurological breakdown going on inside my brain.

Tomorrow I will actually update this thing as to why I've temporarily dropped off the face of the earth.

The Third Pet Shop Boy

When I was younger I used to have this fantasy that I would end up married to someone who loved all of the same things that I did. This imaginary person saw all the brilliance and beauty in all of my favorites... Kieslowski, Bukowski, 16 horsepower, nick cave, the shins... i could go on and on- i am in love with all things visual and musical. But not once did I ever find that person. The twits that I did date who liked one or two things that I did were seriously much too arrogant and foolish for me to appreciate that fact in the end. Assholes who listened to nothing but Johnny Cash and Social D who drank crappy beer. An old hippy guy named after a furniture store who never took off his hat because he was losing his hair. Sure, I guess someone somewhere might find those things endearing, but not me. These were things that were just too weird to look past, you know? Which is not to say that I don't love all of that music...I just didn't love the guys.

Well, the universe has played a funny joke on me. The man that I did love and ended up marrying turned out to be a person who has absolutely nothing in common with my taste in music, books or film. This might have a lot to do with our cultural differences- at least this is something that I have noticed in terms of film. I always thought that my taste was pretty average- but he finds it depressing usually. My husband loves history (but mostly of the Spain/WW2/Hitler only type stuff), is into economics, Two and a Half Men, Rocky, Rambo...oh, and the Pet Shop Boys. I am often tempted to write to the Pet Shop Boys and tell them that they truly do have a third member, only they don't know it. This man has a Barcelona jersey with 'petshopboy' printed on the back. He has every album and every single they have ever released (probably in every country), pictures with Neil Tennant, concert t-shirts... even a keychain! Before you get all creeped out, I have to say that all of these things aren't immediately apparent when you meet him so he wouldn't be mistaken for a freak fanatic- it's just that I live with him and I know these deep dark secrets. Only it's not a secret! He will tell anyone and everyone just how much he loves and appreciates their music. You gotta hand it to the guy! He is thorough in his admiration- but that goes for anything in his life, myself included.

It's just this. I have come to learn that I can appreciate the things that he loves too. I can't stand Rambo, but I have learned to like Rocky even past the toleration point. I can admit that even though Charlie Sheen is an abomination of wasted talent, his show is pretty funny at times (i mean, jon cryer pigeon-holed himself- not the other way around- only in Pretty In Pink his gear was much cooler). I will even admit that I do really enjoy some of the Pet Shop Boys songs. More than just their greatest hits. Now that I have to hear them all the time I have been exposed to more of their work. Coming from similar backgrounds, I am happy that my husband found something that was a sort of refuge for him- a positive energy force. Sometimes it just seems a little silly and juvenile to me because I haven't been that enthusiastic about anything, especially not one thing in particular, but what is music for, after all? I'm sure that all kinds of artists hope that there is someone that truly has their work in their heart and soul. Neil Tennant & Chris Lowe, I can assure you that someone does. And I'm married to him. His obsession is actually what made our relationship possible. The only reason that he knew so much English is because of his love for PSB, so I guess I have to thank them for that.

What I can't really understand is that my husband just can't get into the kind of music I love. Really, when you compare the two (in general- I have at least 10,000 songs for him to choose from) things they are like night and day. Kind of like us. One introvert, one extrovert. One man, one woman. One optimist, one pessimist. But it works. I have my work cut out for me if I want to bring him over to the dark side though.

How do you reconcile these? Sure, they are both a little sad...but it's a different color blue.

Grandma couldn't drive my car.

So the other day went really well. It was a beautiful day in all honesty (the picture says it all). And according to my friend, my Spanish is pretty decent (although she might have been just saying this)... at least enough to spend the day with each other not staring off into space :) So yes, I can count that as a good experience to add to my confidence building list. For some reason though, my war against myself to speak Spanish with my husband seems to be a losing battle. Yes, yes I know. This is probably the most ridiculous psychological trick that I have played on myself, but it just doesn't seem natural or comfortable, but this has to be the year that it changes. I know that part of it is because we started our relationship speaking in English, partly because he wanted to practice his English and also because his level is higher than mine was in Spanish. And it still is. And that is partly his fault, partly mine. Well, mostly mine... let's be fair. So yeah, gotta keep working on that for sure. It's funny really. I wrote a really really long paper talking about identity and second language acquisition during my last semester of grad school though at the time I never really thought that I would experience the things that I was reading about in such a personal way. It really does depend a great deal on motivation and personality much more than I ever realized. Please mind, set me free of this absurd straightjacket.

Totally unrelated, in the end I decided to turn down the opportunity of the second job for the sake of wasting precious time for very little compensation. This was in the interest of me spending more time on the language, getting my permanent license, homologating my degrees and other things that are pretty important in my search for independence here in Spain. But I have to admit that even though I know that the things I usually spend my time doing (aside from wasting time on stupid facebook, this, etc.) make my husband's life easier, I feel a little guilty sometimes that he has to work so much harder than I do. Maybe part of the guilt is that I'm just not used to having so much free time, in addition to not making as much money as I used to when I worked in graphic design. Not even close, actually. I have been working since I turned 15 and I have always had a full time job with the exception of parts of college and some unfortunate bouts of unemployment. I try to tell myself that this situation is only temporary and that once I have jumped through some hoops for the government here, I can have a job that is closer to what I feel I should have, having spent all that time and money on graduate school. I try to tell myself that after everything that has happened in the last 18 years I sure could use the mental break. It's working for now, but I have days when I feel like a pretty useless person. Is this what my grandmother felt like? She didn't work much and even worse- she never had a license to drive. Sorry early twentieth-century- I'm not sure I would have survived you.

In other news, I am trying out the new Wilco album and I'm just not sure yet Mr. Tweedy. I'll have to revisit this subject sometime after I give it a real chance. But I am super excited about this new album: http://www.crookedfingers.com/

Today I am spending the day with a friend who speaks no English. Then how did we even meet you ask? Well, she is the fiancée of a friend of Rubén's. I find myself sitting here a little nervous about whether or not I will be able to express myself at all. My level of Spanish seems to depend on the day so hopefully this will be a confidence-enhacing experience instead of a complete and utter failure (on my part of course). There is something to be said for non-verbal expression though. I have always liked her from the moment we met - there are definitely parts of a person that don't need words. Here's hoping.

On a totally different topic- I have to express a bit of shame today. I don't consider myself religious as I don't attend mass much anymore (well, here in Spain, not at all), although I was raised Catholic and I think that I try to express that through my behavior. A lot of people I know tend to poo poo religion or anything that slightly resembles it as mass mind control or some such nonsense. And they have a point really, at times. Some people use it as a shield of righteousness to justify whatever ass-backwards idea they might have in their collective minds. But for me, it's pretty simple. I believe in something greater than myself and I think that we should use both our hearts and minds when it comes to dealing with other people. Some people (not naming any names) are entirely incapable of doing this though.

I have to admit that lately I have been having a not-so-Christian feeling when it comes to certain people and things. Sometimes, it feels- i don't want to say GOOD- but a little affirming to see life give people their just desserts. Does that make me a bad person? I sure hope not, but I mean, surely it's much better to be a satisfied observer of nature than a vengeance taker? Well, maybe not. But at least I'm a little ashamed- I am human, after all.

Several Years Ago

Nothing much to say today really. Except that I love that I always have music to fill in the gaps of my non-existent memory. It can always take me back to places, both beautiful and ugly. Today on my iPodshuffle: I remember listening to this song for the first time. Of course, the guy who gave me the album is an almost forgotten memory- thank god. He was the first and last person to ever tell me that I was too damaged for a relationship and that I needed therapy. A little ironic really. As it turns out, Eric Bachmann is a pretty good therapist.

I'm so lucky to have found someone who can actually appreciate me and who that really is.

the Golden Girls must have met when they were 12

I have never been an overly social person, and those who really know me know that pretty well. I'm not overtly anti-social either. I've been known to be a wallflower of the strangest kind, but I really am an open person once you get to know me...if you can see past the strange, seemingly closed behavior. I recall a moment in high school when I was dating this guy who had friends that were in a band and we were all hanging out in the parking lot of said friends house sitting on a curb. Sounds like fun, huh? One of the band members had a girlfriend who had brought a long a couple of her friends. I wouldn't say that I was anti-girl at the time, but I was a little wary of them during those particular moments. I had a rough freshman year which I won't go into, but my second year found me a tad more quiet than usual. I've always been shy and these girls were younger than me and obviously had been a part of that group a lot longer than me so I sat there in silence, watching... probably tearing apart strips of grass or smoking like a chimney- all very engaging behavior. One of the girls eventually walked up to me and asked me if I had a personality. Talk about a sting. In the end, we all became friends but I'll never forget that moment of being painfully aware of how an outsider must see me.

Making friends in high school was easier. My method, so it seems, was kind of 'find the people who are equally as odd as you are' and stick with them. Perhaps not the best idea in hindsight, and it certainly didn't make me valedictorian but the truth is I just didn't fit in with the 'norms', with the exception of the fact that I did like to play sports. I had moved back to the Washington metropolitan area from Florida right before 9th grade. When I was in Florida, I had attended a small Catholic school in which I was a part of a class with less than 30 students. I spent middle school with those same 30 students. So yeah, I found public high school a little more than overwhelming and I certainly didn't know how to be cool. I didn't like the same music other people liked, didn't have the same interests, and I certainly didn't want to be a cheerleader.

In college I was lucky enough to meet one of the most beautiful and influential people during my first year of college, but I never moved very far out of my small circle for more than a few chance meetings. College is a blur of lots of working and studying at the same time which made socializing not really the top on the list of my priorities. I always seemed to have something more pressing or crisis like to deal with.

Now that I am 34 and living in a foreign country, I am finding it even more difficult to make friends. Part of it is the language thing, and part of it may be that I just don't think that I have very much in common with people here. I'm not sure what women my age care about and since I don't have children I can't really use that as subject matter. At this age, most women are married and they socialize with their old friends or with other mothers. I too, am also just a little awkward. Trying to make friends seems an awful lot like dating and I was never very good at that either. Since people here aren't very 'open' (yes, let's call it that) it makes it even more challenging because no one is going to just strike up a conversation with you. Definitely not in English either.

Don't get me wrong, I highly enjoy my own company and I entertain myself with things like this, or reading. I have a reading problem and cannot seem to stop. I try to keep in shape, although I have come to the sad conclusion that I am not a runner- I wish I was. I guess I just wish that things fell into place faster. I mean, my husband is one of my best friends. I always have someone to talk to, but the nice thing about having friends is that you know that someone out in the world likes to spend time with you. I guess that is the part that I miss.

Sorry Elton, but NO seems to be the hardest word.

I really hate to disappoint people. Maybe it's because of how I grew up or more likely an ingrained part of my personality. I'm a people pleaser- I admit it. But disappointing people...it's kind of a hazard of living really. If you are constantly trying to please or not disappoint others you often lose sight of what it is that would be best for yourself, no? Well, if you are like me then you know what I mean. It's a weakness that I know I have and I am trying to work on it (whatever that means).I often find myself in situations where my boundaries and the use of the word NO are tested. Again, today, here is another of those situations only this one involves financial factors and so I'm even more at a loss than usual.

A little background might be helpful. At the end of the last school year, we were out with a friend of my husband and we discovered that his wife was friends with someone who worked for ******** (name removed for the protection of well, me), a pretty well-known language institute that has offices all over the world. I had never attempted to work for them before when I lived in Florida because I knew that their training was kind of extensive as they have a particular language teaching 'method' that they use and I never had time when I was in grad school full time. Well, I have all the time in the world to attend training now, so I didn't hesitate to send my resume over to this nameless person. I didn't need the job- but out of curiosity I did it. Needless to say, they did call me for an interview in July and I went in to meet them. The guy I spoke with talked to me for over an hour asking me various questions relating to my experience, etc.. He seemed a nice and personable man, if not very British. I had a pretty good feeling about the place, but he had in so many words told me that they did not practice the old methods and that I could observe a little before I started. Said he would be in touch in September, as the schools start here in October. Never mentioned that I would be gallivanting all over Castilla y León.

Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago when I was supposed to go in for a second interview/meeting or whatever. I wake up early. I hate getting up early... I am not a functional person until at least half past 9. Since the bus schedules are somewhat unreliable in our neighborhood here and we are still sharing a car, I drove with my husband into the town where he works and he dropped me off at the library for a couple hours to wait until my interview at 11. In the midst of watching a trash movie, the guy from the school whom I had already met with calls me up at 10:30 stating that his partner could no longer meet with me that day. So guess what? I had to spend the whole damn day either sitting on a bench outside or in the library because my husband had meetings all day. The original plan would have involved me having the interview in the city and then shopping. Bummer.

So then we reschedule. Last Wednesday I finally have this appointment and as it turns out, I don't even see the guy I met with before until five minutes before I leave and the bulk of my time was spent with a woman who insisted on speaking to me in Spanish the entire time regardless of her knowledge and my stating that my Spanish was not as strong as it should be for these purposes. She isn't even Spanish. She is as far as I can tell, Dutch or something of the like and spoke perfect English when pushed once or twice. She was the reason I got stuck at the library all day. She was older and not quite 'amable.' My Spanish level is not a factor at all in the job as I teach English, in English! Anyway... just a bit of a surprise for me. I wasn't expecting to walk out of there with such sweaty armpits. So she immediately launches into what hours they expect of me, in addition to pressuring me to work afternoon hours even after I mentioned that I already have an afternoon contract. Also, I am informed that there is a place to park near there that is in the heart of the city and not 'very expensive.' Sure, genial. Then, that I am not only teaching in the school, but will also be carting myself around to different towns outside the city all for the lovely price of 12 euros an hour. This is not unusual, in regards to compensation. But with the added transportation, it doesn't really end up being worth my time. I can make 15 at least finding my own private lessons and work with whomever I choose. So I email them and tell them I can do most of the hours, but not all- in addition to asking about holidays as I plan on going to the States for either Thanksgiving or Christmas this year.

So anyway, I was talking with my husband last night about this and we agreed that since I have another opportunity to work towards for next school year at the private school that he attended as a kid, perhaps I should turn this other job down, as they hadn't gotten back to me yet anyway. This other opportunity will require me to have a higher level of Spanish, which I can work on this year if I have the morning free, as well as take a course that I have to have in order to accept the job. In addition, I only have a temporary license and really need to start taking the lessons to get my Spanish license. Don't even get me started on the idiocy of that whole subject. If I were Moroccan, Colombian or a whole list of other different nationalities, I could pay a fee and go on my merry way. As it is, as an American I have to basically take driver's ed again. Let's hope I don't set a trashcan on fire again this time. Don't ask.

This morning, I get an email (entirely in Spanish of course) that I think I understand. I get it. I'm in Spain. But you are a language school that offers English. Can you write to me about serious things in my native language? Anyway. Now I'm confused as to what I should do. I don't want to disappoint them but I guess I was secretly hoping that they wouldn't reply to my questions as they have already taken over 3 days to do so and I would have time to respond first telling them I reconsidered and am not interested any longer.

I think I get my panties in a twist over the dumbest things. This is not the end of the world and I can't really make a mistake but I hate to close doors, especially in a time when lots of people here in Spain would love to have the opportunity to work. But honestly, they are not my problem and my priority is to really get myself to a point of indepence here. Which begs the question, why did I go to the interview anyway? Well, I guess I didn't want to disappoint anyone, least of all myself.

Anyone have any thoughts?

You are what you eat.

I think that saying goes for a lot of things, even the things that you 'eat' metaphorically speaking. What I mean to say is, if you surround yourself with bad energy or negative thinking then you are essentially 'eating' those things and they become a part of your self-talk or world view, even inadvertently. So yeah, what I mean is stay away from that crap! The people, the politicians, the environments that are toxic to us as individuals- I say this because it's obvious that we are all different and bothered by myriad things. I personally find it annoying to keep up with all the idiocy that occurs every day in the political world, but others really seem to enjoy it. To each their own I say, although I think it has to be more than a little dizzying to be so 'outraged' all the time. Why not be outraged about the toxic chemicals that the government is allowing go into your food and food packaging instead of what Sarah Palin or the tea party dummies said? Just sayin'. It has a heck of a lot more of an immediate impact on you.

While on the topic of toxic...who else has become a little more than obsessed with food and the products in our every day life lately? I could blame it on my recent obsession with metabolism which stems from a hypothyroid diagnosis, but it's truly not only personal. I am concerned about the things that we eat, the things we cook with, the way our food is produced, the makeup we use, the soaps we 'clean' with and the fact that most people just don't seem to give a crap.

I know, I know. It's more than a little overwhelming and it may seem over the top hippy dippy but I'm not that kind of girl really. I like to look pretty sometimes too and I don't wear Birkenstock's (anymore). It's just that I honestly believe that all of these ailments we find ourselves surrounded by (some types of cancer, ADD, ADHD, psoriasis, asthma, thyroid and hormonal issues) that seem to run rampant today really do have to stem from something. And the only truly feasible explanation other than environment is that we are ingesting and putting these chemicals on ourselves that are causing our bodies to react and our cells to mutate. Don't get me wrong, I know the environment is a huge factor as well, but we can't be helping things.

I read too many books about this stuff to not have started to make some changes in my own life and household and it's truly too expensive and frustrating to do it all at once. Some of the things like teaching yourself how to eat properly again really do have a learning curve and it takes a little research or finding out how to avoid/change certain things. I annoy the crap out of my husband reading labels on things in the store, but I honestly think it is worth the time spent for both of us to not be eating, for example, things cooked in non-stick or teflon pans or things that I can't read the names of. We switched to ceramic not too long ago because that's the only thing I could find here as an alternative. I try to buy hygiene products that don't contain parabens, perfume and all that other crap that we don't need to be slathering on or 'washing' with. Really.. do we need to put these things on ourselves? I'm pretty sure that my grandfather and his parents didn't have shampoo that smelled like strawberries and they were none the worse for it. Maybe smellier, maybe not.

Which brings me to food. Why do I have to read the labels? Because if I don't I might accidentally take home something with soy in it. Personally, I am outraged that there are still products being lauded as healthy that are soy-based or needlessly have soy in it. Yes, I understand for those that are lactose intolerant that it can be appealing, but there are other options out there. Besides the fact that the that 'milk' is most likely genetically modified soy bean juice that leads to higher levels of estrogen in the body, and can lead to lovely things such as premature puberty, low sperm count, testicular cancer, breast cancer and even hypothyroidism. I'm telling you...soy is big money for the government and the companies that use it in their products... they will put it in absolutely anything! I have found soy listed as an ingredient in everything from lunch meat to cookies to bread (they often use soy powder as an alternative for gluten-free breads). So, I don't buy those things. Don't even get me started on vegetable oil. That stuff is everywhere and not the type of stuff we should be eating, especially when it's invisible.

I don't want to rant on and on, but the truth is we as the public need to become more aware of what we are feeding ourselves and what chemicals we are using in our homes- back to basics. Today I tried out making my own dust spray from a recipe online instead of the stuff from the store and you know what? The furniture looks more shiny and smells just as good. If as consumers we start to make better choices when spending our money, the products we need/want will become more readily available. That's just economics.

Confessions of the non-Usher kind

It's been a long while since I last wrote much of anything, save the grocery list-but last year was a rough year in some ways. I can't say that I don't write because I don't have the time...the truth is in the last year I have had more time on my hands than I have had since I was a child. I only worked in the afternoons at a private academy teaching English, but my mornings were entirely free. Well, perhaps free isn't the word. I always found things to occupy myself with like my OCD cleaning or organizing my then future husband's house. Taking out the dog for really long walks. Working out. But there were so many struggles last year with making it legal for me to stay here in Spain. Adjusting to a new life here without the support system I had at home. Last year I also came to the sad realization that some of my friends weren't really my friends. One of my so-called closest girlfriends friend-dumped me a few months before my wedding which may sound silly to an outside person, but was fairly devastating. Mind you, after several nasty emails in which she described what a disappointing friend I had been. I've learned that for the most part, women as friends can't be trusted with a few beautiful exceptions. That same girl went on to befriend what I thought was another friend of mine and continues to have a relationship with them. Some people really are a smack in the face.

Then a family disagreement/misunderstanding having to do with a wedding date led to the final severing of a long-strained relationship between one side of my family and the other, with me being the scapegoat this time. For years, I had been the only one trying to mend something that was impossible. A regular Humpty-Dumpty I was. I didn't stop writing for lack of things to write about, that much is clear.

Maybe I don't write or paint for lack of motivation, or rather a lack of energy. In March my doctor here diagnosed me as hypothyroid and while I am happy to have a reason for all of the things that were making me think I was going crazy, I am afraid that now it is a thing upon which to lay all of my excuses for everything although every bodily-instinct tells me otherwise.

My mind is scattered all the time and my memory which was never much to speak of has kind of gone down the toilet. Sometimes the depression is stifling and I usually can find no reason for it. It's like living in a permanent and dismal brain fog...pulling myself out of quicksand. To add insult to injury, I moved to Spain last September to marry but I still don't speak much more Spanish than I did in high school. Being around a second language when you don't have much energy to try to learn to communicate better can be exhausting at times. Other times, I am relieved to be on the other side of the Atlantic where I have removed myself from the past that was haunting me there. Speaking of high school; sadly I don't remember much of it. No no, it's not because I had TOO much fun or that I am choosing to block it out. I would love to remember my friends that I had then and maybe some of the reasons why many of them drifted away sometime after 9th grade but all of that is lost in the past and perhaps better off for being there- I'm not sure. As it is, there is only the one left that I still remember well and that is mostly because she is the only one that is still in my life. But that is another subject altogether.

I know that the universe has a plan for all of us and blah blah blah, but these days I believe that less and less. These days all that it takes to depress me is a glimpse into a person's happy Facebook life and a Wilco song. I am comparing myself to an age or stage of life and what that should mean -certain things, of which I have only accomplished one. Real or imagined, it seems like everyone is ahead of me in this non-existent race that I feel that I am running in.

I see most of the people I know moving on with their lives, having their 2.5 children and I'm just stuck between not knowing if I want to take that step and knowing somewhere deep inside that if I choose to it is going to be at struggle for me. I'm not allowed to even try to have kids until they regulate my thyroid, but now that I am 34 I feel like time is against me. Maybe none of this is worth worrying about. If things are meant to happen they will. Everything happens for a reason. It's just that sometimes I wonder if that's true or not or if it is only something we tell ourselves to make things softer.

Before I depress the crap out of even the trees outside, I have to mention the several good things that did happen too. I found a person that is able to make me happy which is a pretty difficult task sometimes, I have to admit. We got married; something I thought I would never do after a rather dreadful dating history. He has a nice family who despite the language barrier have always made me feel welcome and for the most part comfortable. I found a job in a country with a less than stellar economy and I work for a woman who is both compassionate and wise who has also found me a private lesson with a student whom I both enjoy and learn from. My dog is annoying, but lovely. Both of my brothers are growing up to be nice men. My little sister got married to a wonderful guy. I care less and less about what people think of me and I don't feel the need to explain my actions to anyone. I rediscovered my love for reading and have properly devoured several books. I ended a long dispute with a former employer in my favor and can now close the door on that. My world has gotten bigger and New Jersey ain't the whole world.