In part, the actual definition of the word is movement towards a destination. I guess I am making some kinds of progress in that sense, but everything seems to take forever and I have no patience left. It's been about 4 months since I left Spain and in some ways things could not be more different. Other things seem frozen and that frustrates me. I'm still waiting on my pending certification to teach here next Fall, but I do have part-time work which is something I guess. I really enjoy the job and sometimes think I get more out of it than my students. Hopefully within a week or two I will have some word on whether or not they are going to give me the certificate in Maryland and I'll be through the last test for D.C. One of the two has to work out, right? At least that is what I keep telling myself. Today I had to send the Board more information so they are reviewing it and right now that's all I can wish for.
The things that stress me the most lately are money and the fear that history has even a snowball's chance in hell of repeating itself. The money aspect because I only have so long before it runs out without a full time source of income and I'm always worried about that anyway- call it a Virgo obsession or just plain paranoid. When you've fallen enough times you learn to respect the pavement, you know? History repeating itself...well that doesn't require a whole lot of an explanation. To think that my judgement about a person, place, or thing could ever again be quite as off as it has been in the last two years is a terrifying thought. Terr.I.fying. Will I allow the fear of being wrong again stunt me and anything green that might come? That, I guess, is the question. For the sake of someone in particular, I hope not. There are moments that I am sure of myself and then in a moment it can all blow away remembering where I have been and how I got there.
Family has required a lot of attention lately and I feel myself being pulled in so many directions. Regardless of whether the problems are mine, I have a sense of responsibility that I can't shake and that stings more than I'd like it to lately. Parts of me are still raw...that I know. It leads me to react to kindness with something harsh sometimes...as if I can't believe in its sincerity. I hope that feeling takes a vacation really soon...it isn't fair to those around me and I don't want to be that person. It's fine if I lost material things when I came back from Spain, but I don't want to lose the goodness that was there before.
I guess things are mostly fine, for now. I feel like my friends are either distant or gone and this divorce has really been something that I've had to do alone which is probably best in the end. The kids I work with give me a purpose and the hope for the future keeps me going. Sure, there are still the petty small problems of putting life back together here after being gone for so long, but it's getting closer and closer to normal.
My iPod fried itself once again which has forced me to use my computer as a source of music. Today this is making me kind of happy:
Oh. and this.
