I find myself in a place that I've been before in my life. The place where confusion is the only certainty and there is a real need for an anchor that is always missing. I'm back in Maryland for the time being and the whirlwind and vacuum I find myself in is sometimes a little more than I can bear alone. Sure, I have friends here, but I don't seem to find what it is that I need and I'm unsure of what that really is myself anyway so it wouldn't be fair to be disappointed.
I guess today I realized that I am REALLY alone instead of just alone and that the only saving grace or relief is going to have to come from myself and right now I'm just waiting to get to the point where I can provide it. People make promises they don't and can't keep and some are just far too engrossed in other things to be there for me at the moment. I guess in my mind I thought I would have more support and on top of that I lack the patience for myself. It's only been a couple of weeks and I lose and regain my resolve at 5 or 10 minute intervals. I knew it would be hard, but not this hard.
Seriously. I just think I want someone to sit there and drink something with me and smoke cigarettes and tell me it will all be okay. I guess I'm going to have to be that person for myself and that is okay. Loneliness is to be expected, but it always comes as a surprise.
