Things are going well at my elementary school. My room is all ready for my little darlings, though they won't spend much time in there. I am super excited about being in a school where I will be able to practice Spanish as much as humanly possible and a place full of such caring people. I'm lucky to have gotten the mentor that I did and I can't express enough how grateful I am to my Vice Principal and the ESOL secretary in PG for giving me the lucky break I needed. My only goals are to not let them down this year and have a great time doing it. This is the culmination of everything I have been working towards since 2008 and everything I've sacrificed to get it. Although school doesn't officially start until Monday, it was worth every hour of anxiety, fear, tears and frustration.
Other things are going fine too. It is just a matter of deciding about where I am and where I want to go. I promised myself when I left Spain that I wouldn't allow that experience to make me jaded and untrusting which is a daily effort. There are times when it doesn't cross my mind for days. Other days he is right at the forefront and right behind my distrust of everyone around me. The slow fading is what I'm hoping for. Like the scar that it is.
Friday, August 17, 2012
Thursday, August 9, 2012
J.O.B.
Yay! Officially employed as of today. I will ignore the fact that in order to qualify for official certification for MD I have to take credits and courses that seem silly. Instead I will be happy that they gave me a chance in PG and excited/nervous about the weeks to come.
I don't know who it is that listens, but I feel like my prayer was answered. Now, to tackle all of their requirements during the next year- I feel up to it.
I don't know who it is that listens, but I feel like my prayer was answered. Now, to tackle all of their requirements during the next year- I feel up to it.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Holy Horoscope Batman!
"And if nothing is repeated in the same way," says poet Antonio Porchia, "all things are last things." That's a good principle to adapt for your own purposes, Virgo. A few weeks from now, I bet you'll be enmeshed in an orgy of novelty, creating yourself from scratch and exploring experiences you've never heard of before. But in the meantime, as you bring this cycle to a close, be equally inventive about how you finish things off. Don't imitate the approach you used in tying up loose ends in the past. Don't put stale, boring karma to rest in stale, boring ways. Nothing repeated! All things last things!
Before I begin, a disclaimer...I do not subscribe to all that astrology claims to know. I'm simply amused by Rob Brezsny.
Which cycle? That is my question. Is this referring to the end of my current job? If that is the case, then I think I get it. I should put stale, boring karma to rest and as my new vice principal says 'be a rebel.' The message is coming at me from all different angles lately. So I think I have decided that instead of letting someone who has made me feel uncomfortable at work and seems to enjoy making my life difficult when I need flexibility and pushing me into corners (for a part time job that offers no benefits, mind you) that I'm going to do what makes me happy and not necessarily what the right thing is to do. Probably not wise to lay it all out here, but instead of taking the high road and having an uncomfortable confrontation, I'm just going to avoid it. I feel terrible about it already though because I have really grown attached to a couple of the kids I work with. Such is life I guess.
Or perhaps it is referring to the stale cycle of the last two years of my life. I am SO ready for that to come to an end too. I am doing everything different this time- so all things really can be last things. If that would be the last time that I ever was so stupid, that would be excellent too.
Next week marks the beginning (at least in regards to work) of my life back here in the States that I've been waiting for since March. I knew it would come eventually, but I'm so grateful that it's here and now. Other things have been going pretty well since then and it finally seems as if the light at the end of the tunnel is now the sun in the sky.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
House of No
We choose our joys and sorrows long before we experience them.
Khalil Gibran
Totally true. As much as I'd like to think that it isn't, hindsight gives us the humbling knowledge that we love the things that hate us and we often choose the things that cause us pain. Sometimes we even create them. I am trying my very best not to self-sabotage lately and I have had some success, but I surely have my moments.
Trust is no longer my strong suit, even though in the past I was trusting to a fault. Stupid, even. But having had the experience one too many times of ignoring my gut and letting those experiences unfold (and later seeing my hand in it) it is difficult to even trust myself. But there has been progress- that word again.
I never boast about myself, but I have to say that I'm a little proud these days. I have gotten so much better at dealing with disappointment at this point in my life and I'm often astounded at how little I even recognize myself. Years ago if I had found out that what I had been working towards for months, perhaps even years, was just taken off the table entirely I would have fallen apart at the seams- I have no doubt. If I had gotten the news that the two surgeries I've had already were useless in solving the problem I would have crumbled.
But this time around is different. When I found out that I most likely won't get my teaching certification because of my 'experience' in Spain I really only wasted an hour or two being a bitter, hysterical and sophomoric disaster. And then I moved on and started to figure out a Plan B with a quickness. One of the possibilities may even have worked out, but I don't want to jinx it. A lovely school in PG County decided that I was worth the risk and they want to give me a chance. Now it's just up to the board and HR to get it going without any bumps in the road, hopefully.
I am not anywhere close to where I had hoped to be at this point, but I'm trying to have patience with myself. In only a few months (which is really nothing in Old People Time) I have turned things around quite a bit and managed not to go off the deep end. I even managed to do better than that! I can actually say that most of the time I am happy now, regardless of the mess that my life sometimes is...still.
What I am hopeful of is that 35 will be different. I am slightly older and definitely a little wiser than I was at 30. I no longer wish for fairy tales or miracles, but instead choose to recognize the small graces that I am given. I can accept the challenge when things don't go my way instead of moping and counting up all the other times things were not in my favor. There is always a chance to make a choice to get upset in the face of NO and let it drive your life to places you'd rather not go. Personally, I think I've done pretty well taking the wheel instead and not letting it take over anymore.
I'm upset about some other things going on (e.g. my creepy supervisor who reminds me so much of my old creepy boss and his gross comments, my expectations of others not being met, etc.). In addition, addiction has reared its ugly head in my family again, only this time it isn't me. It's heartbreaking to watch it stretch us all to the limit, including the one with the problem. Maybe prayers are only answered sometimes, but I'm hoping they are not all falling on deaf ears. Lord only knows someone gave me a big break the other day which only tells me that I must have made the right decisions in the not so recent past. Sometimes the only thing that I can do is put the left in front of the right and just hope for the best. As for the rest, I'll just take it as it comes. None of us are perfect, least of all me. Like the sign I saw while driving home the other day: When looking for faults use a mirror, not a telescope.
Khalil Gibran
Trust is no longer my strong suit, even though in the past I was trusting to a fault. Stupid, even. But having had the experience one too many times of ignoring my gut and letting those experiences unfold (and later seeing my hand in it) it is difficult to even trust myself. But there has been progress- that word again.
I never boast about myself, but I have to say that I'm a little proud these days. I have gotten so much better at dealing with disappointment at this point in my life and I'm often astounded at how little I even recognize myself. Years ago if I had found out that what I had been working towards for months, perhaps even years, was just taken off the table entirely I would have fallen apart at the seams- I have no doubt. If I had gotten the news that the two surgeries I've had already were useless in solving the problem I would have crumbled.
But this time around is different. When I found out that I most likely won't get my teaching certification because of my 'experience' in Spain I really only wasted an hour or two being a bitter, hysterical and sophomoric disaster. And then I moved on and started to figure out a Plan B with a quickness. One of the possibilities may even have worked out, but I don't want to jinx it. A lovely school in PG County decided that I was worth the risk and they want to give me a chance. Now it's just up to the board and HR to get it going without any bumps in the road, hopefully.
I am not anywhere close to where I had hoped to be at this point, but I'm trying to have patience with myself. In only a few months (which is really nothing in Old People Time) I have turned things around quite a bit and managed not to go off the deep end. I even managed to do better than that! I can actually say that most of the time I am happy now, regardless of the mess that my life sometimes is...still.
What I am hopeful of is that 35 will be different. I am slightly older and definitely a little wiser than I was at 30. I no longer wish for fairy tales or miracles, but instead choose to recognize the small graces that I am given. I can accept the challenge when things don't go my way instead of moping and counting up all the other times things were not in my favor. There is always a chance to make a choice to get upset in the face of NO and let it drive your life to places you'd rather not go. Personally, I think I've done pretty well taking the wheel instead and not letting it take over anymore.
I'm upset about some other things going on (e.g. my creepy supervisor who reminds me so much of my old creepy boss and his gross comments, my expectations of others not being met, etc.). In addition, addiction has reared its ugly head in my family again, only this time it isn't me. It's heartbreaking to watch it stretch us all to the limit, including the one with the problem. Maybe prayers are only answered sometimes, but I'm hoping they are not all falling on deaf ears. Lord only knows someone gave me a big break the other day which only tells me that I must have made the right decisions in the not so recent past. Sometimes the only thing that I can do is put the left in front of the right and just hope for the best. As for the rest, I'll just take it as it comes. None of us are perfect, least of all me. Like the sign I saw while driving home the other day: When looking for faults use a mirror, not a telescope.
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