For Dan

My old friend,

I can't be there to say goodbye today so I'm babbling here again.  I hope you don't mind if I write to you from time to time.  I keep thinking and rethinking  and over-thinking everything about our last conversation and trying to recall if there was any indication.  I know that we were so much alike (as you always reminded me) and so for that reason I know that there probably wasn't.  I know things seemed like they were going south, but I had so much hope.  And I guess that you probably thought that this was best.  I just wish that you hadn't, buddy.  I wish that I, someone.. anyone could have said the right thing to pull you back.  And we hadn't even seen each other in years- yet you were someone that I thought of often and more recently, interacted with often.  I feel so invisible here sometimes and it was such a relief to be actually seen by someone who really knew me.  I miss you already.  I wish you were here to talk again.  I remember we said that we would skype.. next time.  If I had known there wasn't going to be a next time I would have gotten you to stay up all night.  I should have been a better friend.  I know that you can't read this and that you'll never write comments here again.... god...it was always such a comfort to know that you existed.  That there was someone out there like you and could always appreciate the same things that I did.  That took the time to think the things that you did.  And this is only coming from a person as on the fringe as I was.  I don't want to imagine what other people must be feeling, but I can't help it.  I had wanted so badly for you to meet my husband and to meet your wife in person.  I was so looking forward to December and the chance that it could happen.

I don't even know what happened and it's tasteless to ask- but I bet you know it's gnawing at me.  I hate the half answered questions.. and I have so many.  In some way I think I would feel better if I knew and on the other hand I know I never will and that it wouldn't change the pain at all.  All I know is that you're gone and that so many of us want you back.  With my whole heart I hope that you have found the peace that you always needed and wanted so badly.  But it's darker here without you- there's no denying that.  I can't stop thinking about you.  I sent flowers back home because I didn't know what else to do- I'm sure you would think it silly and unnecessary but there is no other way for me to be in this moment from so far away.  I wish I was there now with other people who knew how wonderful you were.  Wherever you may be, don't forget us down here.  I hope you know how much I really loved you and that you made me feel special in a way that no one else could.  You were unique...special.  I know some people think that time lets it fade, but you will be with me forever.  I will carry you in my heart.