if you were here...

D,

There are so many things I wish you were still here to talk with about.  I somehow feel like your advice in this particular situation would help me find some peace or balance in my mind.  So I find myself trying to think of what you might say, your unique perspective- impossible really- it could be so many different things.  There have been some really hard decisions to make lately and I feel so lost about everything. I've always preferred to think that the dear departed can help us out in a pinch, so I'm asking for it now.  I think you would say to follow my heart, so I am, but sometimes that is just so hard.
 
Still missing you.

 -Fräulein

some surprises are pleasant.

Nothing very deep to report today- I think my brain shuts down at the weekend.  Yes, I did say at the weekend...welcome to British English.  Had a laugh or two this morning on facebook regarding the choking career of one Bob Dylan.  Those are the times that I actually appreciate it for what it can be.  It's amazing what time and distance and a social networking site can do for what started as a not so wonderful morning.
Today I also had a chance to catch up with a friend here that I work with, only when at work we never get a chance to see each other.  It was nice for a lot of reasons: first,  that I didn't have to try to explain my jumbled mess of a head in a second language.  Also, because it's pretty rare for me to actually come across a person I can feel comfortable being honest with about much of anything. What a relief and a pleasure to remember that there are some good people out there.  And it got me thinking about some other things later...why I care so much about pleasing other people and why I'm so incredibly hard on myself.  We didn't talk about criticism at all today- but someone else mentioned to me recently about how they really dislike criticism.  Who doesn't?  But then I was jumping around the news and some other sites I like to check out for a little inspiration on occasion and I happened upon this:

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-deal-with-criticism-well-25-reasons-to-embrace-it/

I guess this could be a new way of looking at something that I find extremely uncomfortable.  I don't think I can digest all that in one sitting, but I'll re-read it again when I'm a little more receptive.  Right now I'm craving beer and stupid games on facebook, along with other things not mentioned here.  This is a blog, not a laundry room!

mental dental floss

So today marks the first day back to (gasp!) therapy for me in what seems like years.  The obvious question first.  Am I crazy? No.  Do I sometimes need a sounding board to bounce things off of that has no emotional investment in my life? Absolutely. We get by with a little help from our friends, but I guess I want more than just getting by.  Being a little happy sometimes would be nice.  I know that I've felt that way before, so why not again.

Moving to another country has proved to be more of a growing and stalling experience than I had planned on, to put it lightly.  I've grown in some ways, I'd like to think, but there are some areas in which I need a gentle push or a feisty kick in the arse.  I don't know what holds me back from doing certain things and I'm not exactly sure what defects play a part in said things.  But I suppose the important part is more that I am not scared of investigating that and doing the work that is necessary, no matter how uncomfortable. Actually, that's a lie. I'm scared.  Change is good and needed but it's not always my strong suit which seems a little ridiculous considering some of the steps I've taken in the last few years.  I guess my emotional side has not caught up to some of the physical aspects yet and therein lies the problem.

I'm a big wuss though.  I have opted to find what is probably the only person in the whole city who supposedly speaks English because I'm less than confident in expressing myself fully in Spanish.  Another thing that I need some help with.  With Spanish, at least, I know what needs to be done but I can't seem to do it.  That being said, I'm going to try to go into this evening with an open mind and hope for the best.  But I have to be honest and say that I have my doubts...there are some aspects to culture that undoubtedly play a part in life and outlook and I'm not sure that I will be able to handle the Spanish tough love.  I hate criticism, but I am my own worst critic.  I think I already mentioned before that I'm full of contradictions.

Update:  Well, that was yesterday and I can now say that he speaks enough English to be useful- but like most people here who say they speak English, is not exactly fluent.  I think I will just continue and see how it goes- the bonus is he seems to be a nice person- at least that was my first impression. One of my problems with therapy has always been that I'm not entirely sure that a person that I'm paying isn't just saying what I want to hear.  I'm just going to try and forget about that aspect and get it done.