Resolutions and Reservations

Yesterday with my FCE class we were talking about resolutions for the new year.  It seemed like a natural thing to do since we have been working with talking about the future. It also made me realize something about myself that I'm a little wary to share.  I still care about what others think of me more than I'd like to.  I mean, even something as simple as giving them examples of resolutions made me feel a little exposed for a moment.  Sure, I could have given them false examples that have nothing to do with me, but where is the fun in that? and also... I would rather have them think of me as a real person and not an actor.  Is acting part of teaching?  Yes, in a way, but it's not a strength of mine.  I feel a little ashamed about the fact that I still smoke (occasionally) and I hate to share that with people that don't know me well- but they asked! I refuse to lie in the face of a direct question.  Anyway... I thought today I would try to write a resolution list for myself in the hopes that I will actually try to work on it this year by guilting myself with putting it into words that I can refer back to.  Here we go.

1.  I will (must) learn more Spanish this year. 

Seriously... this is not something I can handle much longer.  I feel like I have totally reached a plateau- I understand and can (kind of) communicate on some kind of rudimentary level, but that anxiety is still a big roadblock for me. How is this any different than my personality in English?  In reality it's not... but I am not happy being a person that wants to give more to others that is stuck in a shy person's prison-like body.  I have to find a way to at least make small improvements or I'm gonna sink or go crazy here.

2.  I will stop worrying about the drama in my family and blaming myself for it and other things that aren't my problem.

I should have learned this one by now.  As far as I am concerned, my side of the street is clean on this one- I tried to make amends with some of them by reaching out or explaining myself time after time.  I am not the one to blame for others grudges or bad feelings towards me when I have done nothing- regardless if they are within my own family.  I need to start spending precious energy on people that care about me and actually deserve it.  As for other things that aren't my problem...that is pretty self-explanatory but I have a tendency to internalize negative things in other people's lives and I would like to change that.  Makes for bad self-talk.

3.  I will not slack on keeping in shape despite the weather.

Given that I have thyroid issues, I can't afford to let up, especially since I'm mid-30's now.  No excuses, even if winter is depressing as hell and I'd rather sit in front of the tv/computer/book and do nothing.  Especially after the wake up call I've had this week after returning to Jillian videos.  Life is hard when you can barely move!

4. I will read more non-fiction this year in the attempts to be less stupid.

While fiction is my favorite and I have read a lot this year (just ask my husband who is always complaining about it) including some classics that I never got around to, I want to try to expand my horizons.  Open to suggestions starting now.

5.  I will go back to my own 'style' and stop trying to be a 'grown-up.'

Comfort inside my own skin here is an issue and I'm just not that 'girly' on a day to day basis.  

6.  I will try to go back to doing something creative on a more regular basis.

I really miss design sometimes and my old career.  I mean, teaching certainly challenges your creativity in a different way, but I have been doing some kind of art since I was a kid and only stopped in the last few years or so.  I start something, but never finish it.  I will try to change that this year, regardless of my fear that it will totally stink.

7.  I am going to be less obsessed with cleaning and try to enjoy my life more- the world won't end if things aren't perfect or a representation of me, whatever that is.

Those are the only ones I can think of at the moment, though there is always room for improvement.  I will have to look back later and see how well I've done.