The Third Pet Shop Boy

When I was younger I used to have this fantasy that I would end up married to someone who loved all of the same things that I did. This imaginary person saw all the brilliance and beauty in all of my favorites... Kieslowski, Bukowski, 16 horsepower, nick cave, the shins... i could go on and on- i am in love with all things visual and musical. But not once did I ever find that person. The twits that I did date who liked one or two things that I did were seriously much too arrogant and foolish for me to appreciate that fact in the end. Assholes who listened to nothing but Johnny Cash and Social D who drank crappy beer. An old hippy guy named after a furniture store who never took off his hat because he was losing his hair. Sure, I guess someone somewhere might find those things endearing, but not me. These were things that were just too weird to look past, you know? Which is not to say that I don't love all of that music...I just didn't love the guys.

Well, the universe has played a funny joke on me. The man that I did love and ended up marrying turned out to be a person who has absolutely nothing in common with my taste in music, books or film. This might have a lot to do with our cultural differences- at least this is something that I have noticed in terms of film. I always thought that my taste was pretty average- but he finds it depressing usually. My husband loves history (but mostly of the Spain/WW2/Hitler only type stuff), is into economics, Two and a Half Men, Rocky, Rambo...oh, and the Pet Shop Boys. I am often tempted to write to the Pet Shop Boys and tell them that they truly do have a third member, only they don't know it. This man has a Barcelona jersey with 'petshopboy' printed on the back. He has every album and every single they have ever released (probably in every country), pictures with Neil Tennant, concert t-shirts... even a keychain! Before you get all creeped out, I have to say that all of these things aren't immediately apparent when you meet him so he wouldn't be mistaken for a freak fanatic- it's just that I live with him and I know these deep dark secrets. Only it's not a secret! He will tell anyone and everyone just how much he loves and appreciates their music. You gotta hand it to the guy! He is thorough in his admiration- but that goes for anything in his life, myself included.

It's just this. I have come to learn that I can appreciate the things that he loves too. I can't stand Rambo, but I have learned to like Rocky even past the toleration point. I can admit that even though Charlie Sheen is an abomination of wasted talent, his show is pretty funny at times (i mean, jon cryer pigeon-holed himself- not the other way around- only in Pretty In Pink his gear was much cooler). I will even admit that I do really enjoy some of the Pet Shop Boys songs. More than just their greatest hits. Now that I have to hear them all the time I have been exposed to more of their work. Coming from similar backgrounds, I am happy that my husband found something that was a sort of refuge for him- a positive energy force. Sometimes it just seems a little silly and juvenile to me because I haven't been that enthusiastic about anything, especially not one thing in particular, but what is music for, after all? I'm sure that all kinds of artists hope that there is someone that truly has their work in their heart and soul. Neil Tennant & Chris Lowe, I can assure you that someone does. And I'm married to him. His obsession is actually what made our relationship possible. The only reason that he knew so much English is because of his love for PSB, so I guess I have to thank them for that.

What I can't really understand is that my husband just can't get into the kind of music I love. Really, when you compare the two (in general- I have at least 10,000 songs for him to choose from) things they are like night and day. Kind of like us. One introvert, one extrovert. One man, one woman. One optimist, one pessimist. But it works. I have my work cut out for me if I want to bring him over to the dark side though.

How do you reconcile these? Sure, they are both a little sad...but it's a different color blue.

Grandma couldn't drive my car.

So the other day went really well. It was a beautiful day in all honesty (the picture says it all). And according to my friend, my Spanish is pretty decent (although she might have been just saying this)... at least enough to spend the day with each other not staring off into space :) So yes, I can count that as a good experience to add to my confidence building list. For some reason though, my war against myself to speak Spanish with my husband seems to be a losing battle. Yes, yes I know. This is probably the most ridiculous psychological trick that I have played on myself, but it just doesn't seem natural or comfortable, but this has to be the year that it changes. I know that part of it is because we started our relationship speaking in English, partly because he wanted to practice his English and also because his level is higher than mine was in Spanish. And it still is. And that is partly his fault, partly mine. Well, mostly mine... let's be fair. So yeah, gotta keep working on that for sure. It's funny really. I wrote a really really long paper talking about identity and second language acquisition during my last semester of grad school though at the time I never really thought that I would experience the things that I was reading about in such a personal way. It really does depend a great deal on motivation and personality much more than I ever realized. Please mind, set me free of this absurd straightjacket.

Totally unrelated, in the end I decided to turn down the opportunity of the second job for the sake of wasting precious time for very little compensation. This was in the interest of me spending more time on the language, getting my permanent license, homologating my degrees and other things that are pretty important in my search for independence here in Spain. But I have to admit that even though I know that the things I usually spend my time doing (aside from wasting time on stupid facebook, this, etc.) make my husband's life easier, I feel a little guilty sometimes that he has to work so much harder than I do. Maybe part of the guilt is that I'm just not used to having so much free time, in addition to not making as much money as I used to when I worked in graphic design. Not even close, actually. I have been working since I turned 15 and I have always had a full time job with the exception of parts of college and some unfortunate bouts of unemployment. I try to tell myself that this situation is only temporary and that once I have jumped through some hoops for the government here, I can have a job that is closer to what I feel I should have, having spent all that time and money on graduate school. I try to tell myself that after everything that has happened in the last 18 years I sure could use the mental break. It's working for now, but I have days when I feel like a pretty useless person. Is this what my grandmother felt like? She didn't work much and even worse- she never had a license to drive. Sorry early twentieth-century- I'm not sure I would have survived you.

In other news, I am trying out the new Wilco album and I'm just not sure yet Mr. Tweedy. I'll have to revisit this subject sometime after I give it a real chance. But I am super excited about this new album: http://www.crookedfingers.com/

Today I am spending the day with a friend who speaks no English. Then how did we even meet you ask? Well, she is the fiancée of a friend of Rubén's. I find myself sitting here a little nervous about whether or not I will be able to express myself at all. My level of Spanish seems to depend on the day so hopefully this will be a confidence-enhacing experience instead of a complete and utter failure (on my part of course). There is something to be said for non-verbal expression though. I have always liked her from the moment we met - there are definitely parts of a person that don't need words. Here's hoping.

On a totally different topic- I have to express a bit of shame today. I don't consider myself religious as I don't attend mass much anymore (well, here in Spain, not at all), although I was raised Catholic and I think that I try to express that through my behavior. A lot of people I know tend to poo poo religion or anything that slightly resembles it as mass mind control or some such nonsense. And they have a point really, at times. Some people use it as a shield of righteousness to justify whatever ass-backwards idea they might have in their collective minds. But for me, it's pretty simple. I believe in something greater than myself and I think that we should use both our hearts and minds when it comes to dealing with other people. Some people (not naming any names) are entirely incapable of doing this though.

I have to admit that lately I have been having a not-so-Christian feeling when it comes to certain people and things. Sometimes, it feels- i don't want to say GOOD- but a little affirming to see life give people their just desserts. Does that make me a bad person? I sure hope not, but I mean, surely it's much better to be a satisfied observer of nature than a vengeance taker? Well, maybe not. But at least I'm a little ashamed- I am human, after all.

Several Years Ago

Nothing much to say today really. Except that I love that I always have music to fill in the gaps of my non-existent memory. It can always take me back to places, both beautiful and ugly. Today on my iPodshuffle: I remember listening to this song for the first time. Of course, the guy who gave me the album is an almost forgotten memory- thank god. He was the first and last person to ever tell me that I was too damaged for a relationship and that I needed therapy. A little ironic really. As it turns out, Eric Bachmann is a pretty good therapist.

I'm so lucky to have found someone who can actually appreciate me and who that really is.

the Golden Girls must have met when they were 12

I have never been an overly social person, and those who really know me know that pretty well. I'm not overtly anti-social either. I've been known to be a wallflower of the strangest kind, but I really am an open person once you get to know me...if you can see past the strange, seemingly closed behavior. I recall a moment in high school when I was dating this guy who had friends that were in a band and we were all hanging out in the parking lot of said friends house sitting on a curb. Sounds like fun, huh? One of the band members had a girlfriend who had brought a long a couple of her friends. I wouldn't say that I was anti-girl at the time, but I was a little wary of them during those particular moments. I had a rough freshman year which I won't go into, but my second year found me a tad more quiet than usual. I've always been shy and these girls were younger than me and obviously had been a part of that group a lot longer than me so I sat there in silence, watching... probably tearing apart strips of grass or smoking like a chimney- all very engaging behavior. One of the girls eventually walked up to me and asked me if I had a personality. Talk about a sting. In the end, we all became friends but I'll never forget that moment of being painfully aware of how an outsider must see me.

Making friends in high school was easier. My method, so it seems, was kind of 'find the people who are equally as odd as you are' and stick with them. Perhaps not the best idea in hindsight, and it certainly didn't make me valedictorian but the truth is I just didn't fit in with the 'norms', with the exception of the fact that I did like to play sports. I had moved back to the Washington metropolitan area from Florida right before 9th grade. When I was in Florida, I had attended a small Catholic school in which I was a part of a class with less than 30 students. I spent middle school with those same 30 students. So yeah, I found public high school a little more than overwhelming and I certainly didn't know how to be cool. I didn't like the same music other people liked, didn't have the same interests, and I certainly didn't want to be a cheerleader.

In college I was lucky enough to meet one of the most beautiful and influential people during my first year of college, but I never moved very far out of my small circle for more than a few chance meetings. College is a blur of lots of working and studying at the same time which made socializing not really the top on the list of my priorities. I always seemed to have something more pressing or crisis like to deal with.

Now that I am 34 and living in a foreign country, I am finding it even more difficult to make friends. Part of it is the language thing, and part of it may be that I just don't think that I have very much in common with people here. I'm not sure what women my age care about and since I don't have children I can't really use that as subject matter. At this age, most women are married and they socialize with their old friends or with other mothers. I too, am also just a little awkward. Trying to make friends seems an awful lot like dating and I was never very good at that either. Since people here aren't very 'open' (yes, let's call it that) it makes it even more challenging because no one is going to just strike up a conversation with you. Definitely not in English either.

Don't get me wrong, I highly enjoy my own company and I entertain myself with things like this, or reading. I have a reading problem and cannot seem to stop. I try to keep in shape, although I have come to the sad conclusion that I am not a runner- I wish I was. I guess I just wish that things fell into place faster. I mean, my husband is one of my best friends. I always have someone to talk to, but the nice thing about having friends is that you know that someone out in the world likes to spend time with you. I guess that is the part that I miss.

Sorry Elton, but NO seems to be the hardest word.

I really hate to disappoint people. Maybe it's because of how I grew up or more likely an ingrained part of my personality. I'm a people pleaser- I admit it. But disappointing people...it's kind of a hazard of living really. If you are constantly trying to please or not disappoint others you often lose sight of what it is that would be best for yourself, no? Well, if you are like me then you know what I mean. It's a weakness that I know I have and I am trying to work on it (whatever that means).I often find myself in situations where my boundaries and the use of the word NO are tested. Again, today, here is another of those situations only this one involves financial factors and so I'm even more at a loss than usual.

A little background might be helpful. At the end of the last school year, we were out with a friend of my husband and we discovered that his wife was friends with someone who worked for ******** (name removed for the protection of well, me), a pretty well-known language institute that has offices all over the world. I had never attempted to work for them before when I lived in Florida because I knew that their training was kind of extensive as they have a particular language teaching 'method' that they use and I never had time when I was in grad school full time. Well, I have all the time in the world to attend training now, so I didn't hesitate to send my resume over to this nameless person. I didn't need the job- but out of curiosity I did it. Needless to say, they did call me for an interview in July and I went in to meet them. The guy I spoke with talked to me for over an hour asking me various questions relating to my experience, etc.. He seemed a nice and personable man, if not very British. I had a pretty good feeling about the place, but he had in so many words told me that they did not practice the old methods and that I could observe a little before I started. Said he would be in touch in September, as the schools start here in October. Never mentioned that I would be gallivanting all over Castilla y León.

Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago when I was supposed to go in for a second interview/meeting or whatever. I wake up early. I hate getting up early... I am not a functional person until at least half past 9. Since the bus schedules are somewhat unreliable in our neighborhood here and we are still sharing a car, I drove with my husband into the town where he works and he dropped me off at the library for a couple hours to wait until my interview at 11. In the midst of watching a trash movie, the guy from the school whom I had already met with calls me up at 10:30 stating that his partner could no longer meet with me that day. So guess what? I had to spend the whole damn day either sitting on a bench outside or in the library because my husband had meetings all day. The original plan would have involved me having the interview in the city and then shopping. Bummer.

So then we reschedule. Last Wednesday I finally have this appointment and as it turns out, I don't even see the guy I met with before until five minutes before I leave and the bulk of my time was spent with a woman who insisted on speaking to me in Spanish the entire time regardless of her knowledge and my stating that my Spanish was not as strong as it should be for these purposes. She isn't even Spanish. She is as far as I can tell, Dutch or something of the like and spoke perfect English when pushed once or twice. She was the reason I got stuck at the library all day. She was older and not quite 'amable.' My Spanish level is not a factor at all in the job as I teach English, in English! Anyway... just a bit of a surprise for me. I wasn't expecting to walk out of there with such sweaty armpits. So she immediately launches into what hours they expect of me, in addition to pressuring me to work afternoon hours even after I mentioned that I already have an afternoon contract. Also, I am informed that there is a place to park near there that is in the heart of the city and not 'very expensive.' Sure, genial. Then, that I am not only teaching in the school, but will also be carting myself around to different towns outside the city all for the lovely price of 12 euros an hour. This is not unusual, in regards to compensation. But with the added transportation, it doesn't really end up being worth my time. I can make 15 at least finding my own private lessons and work with whomever I choose. So I email them and tell them I can do most of the hours, but not all- in addition to asking about holidays as I plan on going to the States for either Thanksgiving or Christmas this year.

So anyway, I was talking with my husband last night about this and we agreed that since I have another opportunity to work towards for next school year at the private school that he attended as a kid, perhaps I should turn this other job down, as they hadn't gotten back to me yet anyway. This other opportunity will require me to have a higher level of Spanish, which I can work on this year if I have the morning free, as well as take a course that I have to have in order to accept the job. In addition, I only have a temporary license and really need to start taking the lessons to get my Spanish license. Don't even get me started on the idiocy of that whole subject. If I were Moroccan, Colombian or a whole list of other different nationalities, I could pay a fee and go on my merry way. As it is, as an American I have to basically take driver's ed again. Let's hope I don't set a trashcan on fire again this time. Don't ask.

This morning, I get an email (entirely in Spanish of course) that I think I understand. I get it. I'm in Spain. But you are a language school that offers English. Can you write to me about serious things in my native language? Anyway. Now I'm confused as to what I should do. I don't want to disappoint them but I guess I was secretly hoping that they wouldn't reply to my questions as they have already taken over 3 days to do so and I would have time to respond first telling them I reconsidered and am not interested any longer.

I think I get my panties in a twist over the dumbest things. This is not the end of the world and I can't really make a mistake but I hate to close doors, especially in a time when lots of people here in Spain would love to have the opportunity to work. But honestly, they are not my problem and my priority is to really get myself to a point of indepence here. Which begs the question, why did I go to the interview anyway? Well, I guess I didn't want to disappoint anyone, least of all myself.

Anyone have any thoughts?

You are what you eat.

I think that saying goes for a lot of things, even the things that you 'eat' metaphorically speaking. What I mean to say is, if you surround yourself with bad energy or negative thinking then you are essentially 'eating' those things and they become a part of your self-talk or world view, even inadvertently. So yeah, what I mean is stay away from that crap! The people, the politicians, the environments that are toxic to us as individuals- I say this because it's obvious that we are all different and bothered by myriad things. I personally find it annoying to keep up with all the idiocy that occurs every day in the political world, but others really seem to enjoy it. To each their own I say, although I think it has to be more than a little dizzying to be so 'outraged' all the time. Why not be outraged about the toxic chemicals that the government is allowing go into your food and food packaging instead of what Sarah Palin or the tea party dummies said? Just sayin'. It has a heck of a lot more of an immediate impact on you.

While on the topic of toxic...who else has become a little more than obsessed with food and the products in our every day life lately? I could blame it on my recent obsession with metabolism which stems from a hypothyroid diagnosis, but it's truly not only personal. I am concerned about the things that we eat, the things we cook with, the way our food is produced, the makeup we use, the soaps we 'clean' with and the fact that most people just don't seem to give a crap.

I know, I know. It's more than a little overwhelming and it may seem over the top hippy dippy but I'm not that kind of girl really. I like to look pretty sometimes too and I don't wear Birkenstock's (anymore). It's just that I honestly believe that all of these ailments we find ourselves surrounded by (some types of cancer, ADD, ADHD, psoriasis, asthma, thyroid and hormonal issues) that seem to run rampant today really do have to stem from something. And the only truly feasible explanation other than environment is that we are ingesting and putting these chemicals on ourselves that are causing our bodies to react and our cells to mutate. Don't get me wrong, I know the environment is a huge factor as well, but we can't be helping things.

I read too many books about this stuff to not have started to make some changes in my own life and household and it's truly too expensive and frustrating to do it all at once. Some of the things like teaching yourself how to eat properly again really do have a learning curve and it takes a little research or finding out how to avoid/change certain things. I annoy the crap out of my husband reading labels on things in the store, but I honestly think it is worth the time spent for both of us to not be eating, for example, things cooked in non-stick or teflon pans or things that I can't read the names of. We switched to ceramic not too long ago because that's the only thing I could find here as an alternative. I try to buy hygiene products that don't contain parabens, perfume and all that other crap that we don't need to be slathering on or 'washing' with. Really.. do we need to put these things on ourselves? I'm pretty sure that my grandfather and his parents didn't have shampoo that smelled like strawberries and they were none the worse for it. Maybe smellier, maybe not.

Which brings me to food. Why do I have to read the labels? Because if I don't I might accidentally take home something with soy in it. Personally, I am outraged that there are still products being lauded as healthy that are soy-based or needlessly have soy in it. Yes, I understand for those that are lactose intolerant that it can be appealing, but there are other options out there. Besides the fact that the that 'milk' is most likely genetically modified soy bean juice that leads to higher levels of estrogen in the body, and can lead to lovely things such as premature puberty, low sperm count, testicular cancer, breast cancer and even hypothyroidism. I'm telling you...soy is big money for the government and the companies that use it in their products... they will put it in absolutely anything! I have found soy listed as an ingredient in everything from lunch meat to cookies to bread (they often use soy powder as an alternative for gluten-free breads). So, I don't buy those things. Don't even get me started on vegetable oil. That stuff is everywhere and not the type of stuff we should be eating, especially when it's invisible.

I don't want to rant on and on, but the truth is we as the public need to become more aware of what we are feeding ourselves and what chemicals we are using in our homes- back to basics. Today I tried out making my own dust spray from a recipe online instead of the stuff from the store and you know what? The furniture looks more shiny and smells just as good. If as consumers we start to make better choices when spending our money, the products we need/want will become more readily available. That's just economics.

Confessions of the non-Usher kind

It's been a long while since I last wrote much of anything, save the grocery list-but last year was a rough year in some ways. I can't say that I don't write because I don't have the time...the truth is in the last year I have had more time on my hands than I have had since I was a child. I only worked in the afternoons at a private academy teaching English, but my mornings were entirely free. Well, perhaps free isn't the word. I always found things to occupy myself with like my OCD cleaning or organizing my then future husband's house. Taking out the dog for really long walks. Working out. But there were so many struggles last year with making it legal for me to stay here in Spain. Adjusting to a new life here without the support system I had at home. Last year I also came to the sad realization that some of my friends weren't really my friends. One of my so-called closest girlfriends friend-dumped me a few months before my wedding which may sound silly to an outside person, but was fairly devastating. Mind you, after several nasty emails in which she described what a disappointing friend I had been. I've learned that for the most part, women as friends can't be trusted with a few beautiful exceptions. That same girl went on to befriend what I thought was another friend of mine and continues to have a relationship with them. Some people really are a smack in the face.

Then a family disagreement/misunderstanding having to do with a wedding date led to the final severing of a long-strained relationship between one side of my family and the other, with me being the scapegoat this time. For years, I had been the only one trying to mend something that was impossible. A regular Humpty-Dumpty I was. I didn't stop writing for lack of things to write about, that much is clear.

Maybe I don't write or paint for lack of motivation, or rather a lack of energy. In March my doctor here diagnosed me as hypothyroid and while I am happy to have a reason for all of the things that were making me think I was going crazy, I am afraid that now it is a thing upon which to lay all of my excuses for everything although every bodily-instinct tells me otherwise.

My mind is scattered all the time and my memory which was never much to speak of has kind of gone down the toilet. Sometimes the depression is stifling and I usually can find no reason for it. It's like living in a permanent and dismal brain fog...pulling myself out of quicksand. To add insult to injury, I moved to Spain last September to marry but I still don't speak much more Spanish than I did in high school. Being around a second language when you don't have much energy to try to learn to communicate better can be exhausting at times. Other times, I am relieved to be on the other side of the Atlantic where I have removed myself from the past that was haunting me there. Speaking of high school; sadly I don't remember much of it. No no, it's not because I had TOO much fun or that I am choosing to block it out. I would love to remember my friends that I had then and maybe some of the reasons why many of them drifted away sometime after 9th grade but all of that is lost in the past and perhaps better off for being there- I'm not sure. As it is, there is only the one left that I still remember well and that is mostly because she is the only one that is still in my life. But that is another subject altogether.

I know that the universe has a plan for all of us and blah blah blah, but these days I believe that less and less. These days all that it takes to depress me is a glimpse into a person's happy Facebook life and a Wilco song. I am comparing myself to an age or stage of life and what that should mean -certain things, of which I have only accomplished one. Real or imagined, it seems like everyone is ahead of me in this non-existent race that I feel that I am running in.

I see most of the people I know moving on with their lives, having their 2.5 children and I'm just stuck between not knowing if I want to take that step and knowing somewhere deep inside that if I choose to it is going to be at struggle for me. I'm not allowed to even try to have kids until they regulate my thyroid, but now that I am 34 I feel like time is against me. Maybe none of this is worth worrying about. If things are meant to happen they will. Everything happens for a reason. It's just that sometimes I wonder if that's true or not or if it is only something we tell ourselves to make things softer.

Before I depress the crap out of even the trees outside, I have to mention the several good things that did happen too. I found a person that is able to make me happy which is a pretty difficult task sometimes, I have to admit. We got married; something I thought I would never do after a rather dreadful dating history. He has a nice family who despite the language barrier have always made me feel welcome and for the most part comfortable. I found a job in a country with a less than stellar economy and I work for a woman who is both compassionate and wise who has also found me a private lesson with a student whom I both enjoy and learn from. My dog is annoying, but lovely. Both of my brothers are growing up to be nice men. My little sister got married to a wonderful guy. I care less and less about what people think of me and I don't feel the need to explain my actions to anyone. I rediscovered my love for reading and have properly devoured several books. I ended a long dispute with a former employer in my favor and can now close the door on that. My world has gotten bigger and New Jersey ain't the whole world.