Since I have no idea where to even begin about where to start about what has happened over the last three months or so, I am going to just skip over that part for now and just start from now. I am now back home in the States and while the original reasons that brought me here are sad and heartbreaking, I am starting to feel a bit more like myself again. I have taken all the exams required for certification to teach in Maryland and now I'm just playing the waiting game. I'm nearly done with the same process for D.C. as well and we'll see which works out first. I am working (though only part time) tutoring, though not in ESL, and it's been a wonderful outlet and I am happy to be working with kids again. It reminds me of how I ended up in Spain and in this whole mess to begin with, if that makes any sense. I mostly work with kids who are struggling with one thing or another and it makes me feel good to know that I can make a difference in even one life, as trite as it sounds.
One thing I have noticed is just how little most people seem to respect the teaching profession. I mean, I am back to hanging out in D.C. and for the most part when people ask you the dreaded and banal question "So, what do you do?," I am starting to expect the look of quasi disappointment in their eyes as they scan the room/bar/patio for someone more influential or interesting to talk to. But seriously folks? Are you really that shallow and short-sighted? Just sayin'
But it does feel good to be back somewhere familiar. Although I did try to fit into another culture, I never seemed to find much success in it but I know I have learned a lot of valuable lessons about myself... my shortcomings...my strengths. I am not going to be so jaded as to assign a negative memory to a whole country, but I will say that I feel a lot less embarrassed to be American here- I guess that goes without saying. I don't have to make apologies for the things I like and my ideas about things. I don't have to repeatedly slam a square peg into the ever-round hole anymore and the sentiment that remains is an overwhelming sense of relief, as much as I hate to admit it.
I am happy to be back with the people that really love me, and not the ones that feel they have to. I can't say how grateful I am for everyone who has been there for me in big and small ways. Some of them probably know it, but there are some that have done it by simply existing.
I am even finding myself open to the idea of a future when not so long ago it seemed like the pain was permanent. I am overwhelmed and humbled by my own heart and that of others - it is such a resilient instrument if you let it be.
p.s. this is so pretty i can hardly stand it.
