Sorry, it's complaining hour for me. Nothing seems to be going right today.
First, I spent the first part of my day cleaning up the trash outside that someone's stupid neighborhood cat decided to rip open. Sure, I guess part of it is my fault since I put it outside in the first place last night, but since it is so damn cold here now I figured that the cats would be inside. No such luck. Nothing like starting your day with picking up trash from the last few days. So as I was thinking how much I can't stand cats, I opened up my gmail to find an email from my mother telling me that she had to put our cat to sleep yesterday. Jeez universe, could you be a more challenging lately?
It's winter here in Valladolid. One of the unfortunate things about where we live in Spain is that the weather is exactly the same as it was in Maryland. I moved away from Maryland to Florida prior to coming here, in part, because of the winter. I can't really help that my mental state is not really equipped for it...and for people who don't have this issue- you will never understand. I wanted to walk the dog for an hour or two today, but it is currently so windy that our table outside is moving so it's hard to motivate myself to venture out. The sky has been the ugliest color of grey you can imagine for days. I'm so over it. I hope they have some sun waiting for us in Maryland.
My memory seems to get worse every day and I can no longer remember my stupid xbox live id and so my profiles on my xbox won't match up and everything is in Spanish so it's even harder to figure out what the problem is. I am so frustrated with myself and the stupid language. Last night we had a dinner with politicians here and I think I did okay- I talked to more people than I usually do and most of them understood me - but today I'm practically in tears because I can't do what I wanted to do on my day off because of my stupid memory and my lack of proficiency. I wrote it down somewhere, but I can't find the paper or notebook it's in and for the life of me can't picture it in my mind even though it was only a few weeks ago. I want to listen to my spotify, but that too, has expired. Fail technology. Fail.
Last night I was criticized for forgetting things that I had been told. I just can't seem to get myself together lately. I mean, I could attribute it to the whole thyroid thing, but they say that I should be getting back to normal soon. So that makes me feel like I'm just stupid or something and to be honest, at times, it's a little scary. My memory sucks things away from me- even things I want to remember. The sound of a voice. Memories that I'd like to keep. I can barely remember the beginning of my relationship with my husband and that was only 2 years ago. But yet I remember things that I would be better off forgetting. My memory is like a hall of funhouse mirrors, reflecting nothing or something warped and ugly at the same time. I'm not sure what the solution to that is and I'm fairly sure that even the best therapist couldn't help with this issue- I've already tried.
Then later, criticized for being too negative. Well pardon me for being honest when people ask me about things and how I like my job, etc. Apparently in Spain it's not considered polite to be honest about such things and you should always focus on the positive or lie. Excuse me? Are we still in the same country where people ask someone they don't know if they are pregnant? The same woman who looked at me like I had two heads because I told her that sometimes I don't like the kids here gave me the advice that I shouldn't have children because it will ruin my relationship- never met her in my life. Tell me, what is the difference? The hypocrisy. The disconnection. It's annoying and it burns me up sometimes. There are moments when I truly enjoy people and moments when I'd rather just sit here by myself. I always assume that people are capable of having a real conversation- my bad.
A couple of my students made me feel like a kind of freak the other day because I don't have any friends here and I don't have much of a social life either. What can I say? Our lives are busy and I don't always have time for things in the evenings when everyone else is free because I work when everyone else is off. Anyway, I think it's mostly better to not show myself here. I feel like a weirdo most of the time and I think people only think that I'm sweet as long as I smile and stay quiet. I miss my real friends.
I've reached out to people recently and gotten so little response that I am starting to feel like it's not worth the effort. I'm invisible, after all. I'm too shy... too timid... to whatever or not enough of something for people to like I guess.
I guess I just feel overwhelmed. Too much has been going on lately and I just think I've reached my limit. Or it could just be good old PMS (which is more than a strong possibility) and maybe days from now this will all seem silly and completely manageable. At the moment my head is full of the same color that I see outside.
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