Make like a snake...

So I don't buy into astrology completely but I do think that there is some merit to it. I don't live my life based on it or anything nearly that ridiculous but I do read my horoscope in a couple of places just for kicks on occasion.  Rob Brezny (freewillstrology.com) has a tendency to freak me out on the regular.  This particular time I'm not creeped out, but I do think that perhaps this is some advice that I should follow.  He, however, should have included an instruction manual for us over-thinkers (as most of us tend to be) for how to decipher which ideas don't serve you anymore, etc.:


"Shedding is healthy -- not just for cats and dogs and other animals but also for us humans. Did you know that you shed thousands of particles of dead skin every hour? And just as our bodies need to shed, so do our psyches. I bring this up, Virgo, because you are in an unusually favorable phase to do a whole lot of psychic shedding. What should you shed exactly? How about some of these: old ideas that don't serve you any more, habits that undermine your ability to pursue your dreams, compulsions that are at odds with your noble intentions, resentment against people who did you wrong a long, long time ago, and anything else you carry with you that keeps you from being fully alive and radiant. To paraphrase Thomas Jefferson, the price of freedom and aliveness is eternal shedding."

I think I'll start with these...the idea that my history is who I am, although it has a nagging tendency to predict things that happen in the future. That I must always analyze what fault of mine played a part in every failure or lesson learned. That blood is thicker than water.  That forgiveness is always possible and virtuous- sometimes distance is better.  One thing that I've been lucky to shed lately are some of the resentments.  Baggage that was always sitting at the back of my mind.  I would be lying if I said that I still didn't have a couple that I'm not ready to let go of, but the Universe has been pretty good to me lately.  Maybe not the apologies I was looking for, but the acknowledgement that some harm had been done is enough for me and I respect those that were able to give it.  Habits...let's go with smoking for the umpteenth time.  Oh. And while we're at it, let's add self-deprecation to the list.  I have some things to get rid of, for sure.  I think I'll start with the easy things like the closets first and work my way outwards.  Why wait for Spring?

Since I'm getting rid of things though, I think it's best to replace these things with something slightly more positive.  But let's face it- I'll never be an grinning optimist.  How about optimism with a little realism thrown in?  Any suggestions?  Things you tell yourself that have made a positive change in your life?  

sidenote:  No "think positive" allowed.  Deeper, please.  I'm beginning to think I'm talking to the walls here.

Internet, sometimes you overwhelm me.

I remember being one of the first to have the glorious and time-sucking internet because of the job my step-father had back then.  I spent a lot of time in chats and got a few pen friends out of the deal, none of which I communicate with anymore.  And now that I'm far away from home, I have to admit that it is a blessing to be able to have some kind of connection with my friends and family there that doesn't require a telephone or a plane ticket.  But that blessing is also sometimes a curse.

The first offender... my love and hate relationship with facebook and social networking in general.  Years ago I read an article about the implications of social networking in a UMBC magazine...what it was doing to us and our personalities.  Recently, I saw a similar article that someone posted on facebook that was not nearly as scientific, but equally as interesting. (http://www.theatlantic.com/technology/archive/2012/01/the-facebook-eye/251377/).  I love it for all that it can be used for, but hate it a little for all of the same reasons. You can share ideas with your friends; things you are 'into', photo albums, articles....all the things that you miss when you are miles apart.  This part I think is wonderful and has the potential to be used for good and fascinating things.  It already has.  but then there is the clique-like, drama-laden environment that reminds me a bit of high school or a soap opera. I'll start off by admitting that yes,  I'm guilty of having posted a status that might have been interpreted as passive-aggressive or even brazenly confrontational, but I try to keep my online drama to a minimum.  I also appreciate the ability to block people or change your mind and delete people from your life and mind.  But when we use these mediums to be the worst kind of voyeurs...I think it breeds something inside some people that is detrimental to them and others 'around' them.  I think it allows us to think we are closer to some people than we actually are...to engage with them in ways that we never would face to face. To say things we normally wouldn't.  And yes all this has been written before by someone else... it's just that I've been thinking of it more recently.  I've gotten strange emails from all kinds of people that I didn't really know, but who felt comfortable enough to send me those messages that probed a bit into my personal life.  I'm a private person, but I've been known to be an open book at the same time.  There are no limits to the ways in which I contradict myself on a regular basis.  But those messages bothered me in a way.  They proved that those people noticed/saw things about me in a certain  way that was most certainly a result of the 'self' that I project or show in a medium such as facebook.  Kind of scary to think about really. I could go on and on really about the stupid things that facebook has helped propel from being a petty disagreement to a full on feud.  Complete with deletion and all.  A seriously horrific tool if used in the wrong way.

Which brings me to number two.  I love that the internet, in general, is full of an seemingly endless wealth of information.  That's great... but it's also a little overwhelming at times and I feel like it is often the impetus for me never getting anything done.  Sure.. it's full of inspiration and ideas.  But sometimes I just get drug down by everyone and their creativeness instead of inspired.  Sometimes I feel like that person on the bike up there.  I guess that is a personal problem, and not Pinterest or any other well-intentioned blogger out there. 

Third, my stupid ever expanding gmail account that is full of emails that I don't want to respond to or read.  Or take the time to filter or block.  Today, I just feel like running away from questions and explanations for anything.  I think I deserve the peace and freedom of not having to answer to everyone all the time- I don't feel like I OWE anyone anything just because my choice of partner in life has brought me to live in another country.  I think I should rename this blog to the Negative Nelly Chronicles. Ugh.

So there you go.  My semi-circular thinking that has once again brought me to the conclusion that the problem lies within.  I think this week is a good enough time to start working on that already, only I'm not sure how.

turns out Michael Jackson was right... I'm not alone!

So this week I was back to teaching again and I feel a little bit better about at least one thing that's been bothering me for awhile now.  On Tuesday evenings I teach two women around the same age as me that can't make it to another class during the week.  We have only had a few classes together so far, but it usually turns into more conversation than anything else.  They are curious about how I ended up here (and married) so quickly and American culture and we always find lots of thing to talk about- which is great for them and as it turns out, great for me as well.  I have learned a few things about Valladolid that I don't think that my husband could have told me and it's different coming from a woman's perspective.  They tell me about their boyfriends (or lack of) and Spanish men.  We always find something to laugh about.

This week they confirmed what I have found to be true, in this city at least.  I had started to think that it was just me and that I am just shy... but no.  They agree that people in Valladolid are probably the unfriendliest people in all of Spain.  Turns out they are both transplants from other neighboring cities and towns in Castilla y Leon and they feel exactly the same way about the people here (in general).  Well that is a load off my mind in a way... at least I know it's not only me.  And perhaps in the future maybe they could become friends, or at least give me ideas of where to meet people who are a little more open. At the very least I've had more to talk about with them in the last two weeks than I've had to say to anyone here in the last two years.  There is one exception to this... my husband's friend is lucky enough to have a wife who isn't a complete ice cube, but our schedules are different so I don't see much of her unless we are all together on a weekend for something.

I guess it just takes time but I am starting to feel less like a leper and more like an outsider who has a bit more of a handicap than the average person here.  At least it's not the primary reason!

Double wow.

I am trying to follow the advice of the artist's way and several other books so I will try to write something for a half an hour every day.  I really need to get myself on some kind of productive schedule because right now I just feel like I'm floating around in a jelly-like tepid reality with not much to show for my days, especially when I'm not teaching.  

While I thoroughly enjoyed parts of my trip home, I can honestly say it was one of the worst ever for various reasons.  I had this professor in grad school that used to say double wow when something really baffled him.  That is pretty much how I feel about this trip and some people's behavior.  As usual, everything in my life seems to come to a head at once and I'm sure I'm to blame for at least the method of discovery in this.  Is it possible to read too many 'inspirational' things at once to the point where you don't know your head from your arse anymore?  I'm not sure I can blame that either.  I don't know what to do about my so-called career as of late.  I am stuck paying student loans for the rest of time while making very little money here.  Sure, it's enough to get somewhere, but not very quickly and certainly not where I expected to be after finishing my MA.  If I want to have a regular job in the schools here, I have to go through what they call the CAP which is basically like another master's program as far as I can tell, even if I homologate my degrees here.  That is nearly another two years and more money dedicated to something I'm not sure that I really want anyway.  So. Frustrating.  

I've never been afraid of the stigma that therapy seems to have for some people and I've spent plenty of time working at things.  I would love to go back here, though I'm not sure I can express myself well enough to get anything done in Spanish.  I must admit, wherever you go- there you are couldn't be more true, but Spain is taking quite the beating in my head as it seems to be the source of all my frustrations lately and it's starting to make me really dislike being here. 

I suppose I could try harder to make friends here. Although how exactly does one do that when they live in the middle of nowhere , isn't a native speaker and has little opportunity for socializing?    I wish I had different hours but to manage that I'd have to either go entirely to private lessons and probably wouldn't make as much as I make now, not to mention that the hours would likely not be much different.  Or teach in a regular school but I already mentioned the hurdle with that.  Did I mention that I have to do drivers ed again to get a license here? Oh moody expat's... are you out there?  Someone please say that this will turn around in a month or two.