House of No

We choose our joys and sorrows long before we experience them.
Khalil Gibran

Totally true.  As much as I'd like to think that it isn't, hindsight gives us the humbling knowledge that we love the things that hate us and we often choose the things that cause us pain.  Sometimes we even create them.  I am trying my very best not to self-sabotage lately and I have had some success, but I surely have my moments.

Trust is no longer my strong suit, even though in the past I was trusting to a fault.  Stupid, even.  But having had the experience one too many times of ignoring my gut and letting those experiences unfold (and later seeing my hand in it) it is difficult to even trust myself.  But there has been progress- that word again.

I never boast about myself, but I have to say that I'm a little proud these days.  I have gotten so much better at dealing with disappointment at this point in my life and I'm often astounded at how little I even recognize myself.  Years ago if I had found out that what I had been working towards for months, perhaps even years, was just taken off the table entirely I would have fallen apart at the seams- I have no doubt.  If I had gotten the news that the two surgeries I've had already were useless in solving the problem I would have crumbled.

But this time around is different.  When I found out that I most likely won't get my teaching certification because of my 'experience' in Spain I really only wasted an hour or two being a bitter, hysterical and sophomoric disaster.  And then I moved on and started to figure out a Plan B with a quickness.  One of the possibilities may even have worked out, but I don't want to jinx it. A lovely school in PG County decided that I was worth the risk and they want to give me a chance.  Now it's just up to the board and HR to get it going without any bumps in the road, hopefully.

I am not anywhere close to where I had hoped to be at this point, but I'm trying to have patience with myself.  In only a few months (which is really nothing in Old People Time) I have turned things around quite a bit and managed not to go off the deep end.  I even managed to do better than that!  I can actually say that most of the time I am happy now, regardless of the mess that my life sometimes is...still.

What I am hopeful of is that 35 will be different.  I am slightly older and definitely a little wiser than I was at 30.  I no longer wish for fairy tales or miracles, but instead choose to recognize the small graces that I am given.  I can accept the challenge when things don't go my way instead of moping and counting up all the other times things were not in my favor.  There is always a chance to make a choice to get upset in the face of NO and let it drive your life to places you'd rather not go. Personally, I think I've done pretty well taking the wheel instead and not letting it take over anymore.

I'm upset about some other things going on (e.g. my creepy supervisor who reminds me so much of my old creepy boss and his gross comments, my expectations of others not being met, etc.).  In addition, addiction has reared its ugly head in my family again, only this time it isn't me.  It's heartbreaking to watch it stretch us all to the limit, including the one with the problem.  Maybe prayers are only answered sometimes, but I'm hoping they are not all falling on deaf ears.  Lord only knows someone gave me a big break the other day which only tells me that I must have made the right decisions in the not so recent past.  Sometimes the only thing that I can do is put the left in front of the right and just hope for the best.  As for the rest, I'll just take it as it comes.  None of us are perfect, least of all me.  Like the sign I saw while driving home the other day:  When looking for faults use a mirror, not a telescope.