Let me start off with a disclaimer by saying that this is likely to turn into some kind of trying to talk myself out of being terrified and exposing the fact that I may have chosen the wrong profession-for the second time. Maybe not the wrong profession, but I just need to change myself a bit if I plan on being successful at all. What I am trying to say is, I know that I'm fairly intelligent and I'm sure that I have something to offer to students who want to learn English ...it's just that my own self-confidence sometimes gets in the way. Remember that whole thing I wrote about being shy and reserved? Yeah, not really an asset in the teaching profession unless of course your class is called "Shoe Gazing 101" in which case you would probably be the toast and the crush of all of your students.
My students aren't like this at all. Most of them are dead smack in the middle of puberty, excitable, and very eager to learn. I do have some difficult ones though- the girls who stare into space like zombies - the 13 year old boys who are oppositional regardless of what you say and take every opportunity to mock you or make jokes about your voice. It's like a time machine that takes you back to remember why you didn't like boys when you were 13. But honestly, I even care about them- the ones that make it obvious that their parents made them come and they have no interest whatsoever. And therein lies the problem. It's a strange mixture of wanting them to like me and wanting them to succeed, because the truth is, these guys won't perform for someone they don't like or respect. I don't care what any education teacher told you- it's the truth. I wasn't that kind of student when I was their age so it's hard for me to understand...I admired everyone that I thought knew more than me (which was everyone then) and wanted to be like them. Sure, I had some strange teachers that I liked less than the others... a history teacher who used to talk to his imaginary dog in the corner, the arrogant math teacher who never let me play varsity soccer- but I always respected them. So here I am trying to figure out how to motivate my most challenging students EVER. I don't know what they enjoy except soccer and talking about girls and making fun of me (which is always done in Spanish). They just won't let me in.
Which brings me to the adults. How great they are. They are truly invested in the experience and that's wonderful news for any teacher- the only problem is that I'm afraid I'll let them down. This part of me has GOT to change or every year, week, and lesson is going to be a test of my mettle. It's the part of me that is afraid to make a mistake- like not spending enough time on a certain thing, or not explaining something well enough and then when they go to take the FCE, they fail again (some for the third time). I always care too much and take everything too seriously, which I guess isn't as bad as not caring at all, but I have to find a way to temper this aspect of myself. I have this little piece of paper on my refrigerator that I found on a tea bag that says "Teachers open the door but you must enter yourself." If I could only internalize that. Are there any teachers that can tell me when this part stops?
The other things that have been rattling around lately are of a more somber nature. Maybe it's the weather. Another friend of mine was recently talking about the horrid light that is the Fall- and he's so right- I thought it was only me that noticed how ugly and different it was. It's actually still warm here for October, but the mornings and the evenings are definitely getting cooler. I have always thought SAD (Season Affective Disorder) was kind of a funny name for it, because that is actually what you are. But who isn't a little sad when everything green turns brown. All the trees are pretending to be dead. My itunes shuffle suddenly starts to play more Morrissey, as if it was only a coincidence. Ugh- I hate thinking about it. I am just going to enjoy the last illusions of summer while they last.
What has been bothering me recently is something that no one really likes to talk about. Cancer. They even named a show 'The Big C' because they'd rather not say the word, in my opinion. It's a reminder to everyone about our own mortality and that scares a lot of people. But they are definitely talking about it. That show, Breaking Bad (which I've still never seen), Weeds. The truth is, I'm not afraid of dying, but I'd rather think of it as something far off and not getting closer. But it's something that was always there in the back of my mind. The past few years it has been something that has moved to the forefront because it has affected my family and more recently, other friends of mine. Yes, we are getting older, but it seems like the bubble has been burst and we are now of the age where these things are a reality and not just something you read about or see on the news. And well, that DOES really scare me. I read something a couple of weeks ago about someone I don't even know and her loss and it is still affecting me. I find people leaving messages on their facebook or twitter about loved ones or friends. And now Steve Jobs. What a huge loss. He was an inspiration to so many and enhanced our lives in really tangible ways. Doesn't it make you wonder why these cancers are becoming more and more prevalent? I guess I don't know what I really want to say here- I'm not really up to date on the real why's and how's ... it's just that it's been on my mind and makes me think about my own lifestyle choices that probably aren't the best for someone who has a family history like mine. At the same time, I want to live and enjoy my life and not be afraid. Perhaps the lesson here for me is to just appreciate what I have more, while I still have it. It's such a cliché, but how many of us actually do it instead of just shrugging it off as another hallmark-y gag fest? I'm guilty of doing that, I know. I abhor anything cheesy or overly romantic- but I think maybe it's high time I realize that this gift is a temporary one, at best.
I think I may just have to go listen to something like Craig Mack to make myself laugh.
P.S. If you read this feel free to comment on whatever-this is a text box, not a soap box.
The light this time of year. Ugh. Was it my FB post?
ReplyDeleteYes. Well I was referring to you,in fact. :) And actually, my husband gave me a speech about the inclination about a month ago. I'm sure you would get on splendidly!
ReplyDeleteI'd love to meet him. My wife talks about vacationing in Spain all the time. . .
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