time for a change

Totally want to start a new blog about new things that are happening. Out with the old, in with the new. If you want me to send you the link once it's started, email me :  kathryn.tyser@gmail.com

Yeah, that.

Isn't it great when someone consistently reminds you of why you left them in the first place? I love having no regrets. But really....why must some people be so full of hate and ugliness?  It makes me almost wish bad things for them and takes a whole lot of restraint.  Let them live with their own misery is where I end up, but still.  So much anger right now that I need to put somewhere.  I just thank God every day that I am no longer married to someone who has no respect for me and treats me like a child. Some people and their idea of 'love' really is sad.  I have to believe there is a special place for those who wear such deceiving masks and lie even to themselves.

So far...

Things are going well at my elementary school.  My room is all ready for my little darlings, though they won't spend much time in there.  I am super excited about being in a school where I will be able to practice Spanish as much as humanly possible and a place full of such caring people.  I'm lucky to have gotten the mentor that I did and I can't express enough how grateful I am to my Vice Principal and the ESOL secretary in PG for giving me the lucky break I needed.  My only goals are to not let them down this year and have a great time doing it.  This is the culmination of everything I have been working towards since 2008 and everything I've sacrificed to get it.  Although school doesn't officially start until Monday, it was worth every hour of anxiety, fear, tears and frustration.

Other things are going fine too.  It is just a matter of deciding about where I am and where I want to go.  I promised myself when I left Spain that I wouldn't allow that experience to make me jaded and untrusting which is a daily effort.  There are times when it doesn't cross my mind for days.  Other days he is right at the forefront and right behind my distrust of everyone around me.  The slow fading is what I'm hoping for. Like the scar that it is.

J.O.B.

Yay! Officially employed as of today.  I will ignore the fact that in order to qualify for official certification for MD I have to take credits and courses that seem silly.  Instead I will be happy that they gave me a chance in PG and excited/nervous about the weeks to come.

I don't know who it is that listens, but I feel like my prayer was answered.  Now, to tackle all of their requirements during the next year- I feel up to it.

Holy Horoscope Batman!

"And if nothing is repeated in the same way," says poet Antonio Porchia, "all things are last things." That's a good principle to adapt for your own purposes, Virgo. A few weeks from now, I bet you'll be enmeshed in an orgy of novelty, creating yourself from scratch and exploring experiences you've never heard of before. But in the meantime, as you bring this cycle to a close, be equally inventive about how you finish things off. Don't imitate the approach you used in tying up loose ends in the past. Don't put stale, boring karma to rest in stale, boring ways. Nothing repeated! All things last things! 

Before I begin, a disclaimer...I do not subscribe to all that astrology claims to know. I'm simply amused by Rob Brezsny.

Which cycle? That is my question.  Is this referring to the end of my current job?  If that is the case, then I think I get it.  I should put stale, boring karma to rest and as my new vice principal says 'be a rebel.' The message is coming at me from all different angles lately.  So I think I have decided that instead of letting someone who has made me feel uncomfortable at work and seems to enjoy making my life difficult when I need flexibility and pushing me into corners (for a part time job that offers no benefits, mind you) that I'm going to do what makes me happy and not necessarily what the right thing is to do.  Probably not wise to lay it all out here, but instead of taking the high road and having an uncomfortable confrontation, I'm just going to avoid it. I feel terrible about it already though because I have really grown attached to a couple of the kids I work with.  Such is life I guess.

Or perhaps it is referring to the stale cycle of the last two years of my life.  I am SO ready for that to come to an end too.  I am doing everything different this time- so all things really can be last things.  If that would be the last time that I ever was so stupid, that would be excellent too.

Next week marks the beginning (at least in regards to work) of my life back here in the States that I've been waiting for since March.  I knew it would come eventually, but I'm so grateful that it's here and now.  Other things have been going pretty well since then and  it finally seems as if the light at the end of the tunnel is now the sun in the sky.

House of No

We choose our joys and sorrows long before we experience them.
Khalil Gibran

Totally true.  As much as I'd like to think that it isn't, hindsight gives us the humbling knowledge that we love the things that hate us and we often choose the things that cause us pain.  Sometimes we even create them.  I am trying my very best not to self-sabotage lately and I have had some success, but I surely have my moments.

Trust is no longer my strong suit, even though in the past I was trusting to a fault.  Stupid, even.  But having had the experience one too many times of ignoring my gut and letting those experiences unfold (and later seeing my hand in it) it is difficult to even trust myself.  But there has been progress- that word again.

I never boast about myself, but I have to say that I'm a little proud these days.  I have gotten so much better at dealing with disappointment at this point in my life and I'm often astounded at how little I even recognize myself.  Years ago if I had found out that what I had been working towards for months, perhaps even years, was just taken off the table entirely I would have fallen apart at the seams- I have no doubt.  If I had gotten the news that the two surgeries I've had already were useless in solving the problem I would have crumbled.

But this time around is different.  When I found out that I most likely won't get my teaching certification because of my 'experience' in Spain I really only wasted an hour or two being a bitter, hysterical and sophomoric disaster.  And then I moved on and started to figure out a Plan B with a quickness.  One of the possibilities may even have worked out, but I don't want to jinx it. A lovely school in PG County decided that I was worth the risk and they want to give me a chance.  Now it's just up to the board and HR to get it going without any bumps in the road, hopefully.

I am not anywhere close to where I had hoped to be at this point, but I'm trying to have patience with myself.  In only a few months (which is really nothing in Old People Time) I have turned things around quite a bit and managed not to go off the deep end.  I even managed to do better than that!  I can actually say that most of the time I am happy now, regardless of the mess that my life sometimes is...still.

What I am hopeful of is that 35 will be different.  I am slightly older and definitely a little wiser than I was at 30.  I no longer wish for fairy tales or miracles, but instead choose to recognize the small graces that I am given.  I can accept the challenge when things don't go my way instead of moping and counting up all the other times things were not in my favor.  There is always a chance to make a choice to get upset in the face of NO and let it drive your life to places you'd rather not go. Personally, I think I've done pretty well taking the wheel instead and not letting it take over anymore.

I'm upset about some other things going on (e.g. my creepy supervisor who reminds me so much of my old creepy boss and his gross comments, my expectations of others not being met, etc.).  In addition, addiction has reared its ugly head in my family again, only this time it isn't me.  It's heartbreaking to watch it stretch us all to the limit, including the one with the problem.  Maybe prayers are only answered sometimes, but I'm hoping they are not all falling on deaf ears.  Lord only knows someone gave me a big break the other day which only tells me that I must have made the right decisions in the not so recent past.  Sometimes the only thing that I can do is put the left in front of the right and just hope for the best.  As for the rest, I'll just take it as it comes.  None of us are perfect, least of all me.  Like the sign I saw while driving home the other day:  When looking for faults use a mirror, not a telescope.

progress

In part, the actual definition of the word is movement towards a destination.  I guess I am making some kinds of progress in that sense, but everything seems to take forever and I have no patience left.  It's been about 4 months since I left Spain and in some ways things could not be more different.  Other things seem frozen and that frustrates me.  I'm still waiting on my pending certification to teach here next Fall, but I do have part-time work which is something I guess.  I really enjoy the job and sometimes think I get more out of it than my students.  Hopefully within a week or two I will have some word on whether or not they are going to give me the certificate in Maryland and I'll be through the last test for D.C.  One of the two has to work out, right?  At least that is what I keep telling myself. Today I had to send the Board more information so they are reviewing it and right now that's all I can wish for.

The things that stress me the most lately are money and the fear that history has even a snowball's chance in hell of repeating itself. The money aspect because I only have so long before it runs out without a full time source of income and I'm always worried about that anyway- call it a Virgo obsession or just plain paranoid.  When you've fallen enough times you learn to respect the pavement, you know?  History repeating itself...well that doesn't require a whole lot of an explanation.  To think that my judgement about a person, place, or thing could ever again be quite as off as it has been in the last two years is a terrifying thought. Terr.I.fying.  Will I allow the fear of being wrong again stunt me and anything green that might come? That, I guess, is the question. For the sake of someone in particular, I hope not. There are moments that I am sure of myself and then in a moment it can all blow away remembering where I have been and how I got there.

Family has required a lot of attention lately and I feel myself being pulled in so many directions.  Regardless of whether the problems are mine, I have a sense of responsibility that I can't shake and that stings more than I'd like it to lately.  Parts of me are still raw...that I know.  It leads me to react to kindness with something harsh sometimes...as if I can't believe in its sincerity. I hope that feeling takes a vacation really soon...it isn't fair to those around me and I don't want to be that person.  It's fine if I lost material things when I came back from Spain, but I don't want to lose the goodness that was there before.

I guess things are mostly fine, for now.  I feel like my friends are either distant or gone and this divorce has really been something that I've had to do alone which is probably best in the end.  The kids I work with give me a purpose and the hope for the future keeps me going.  Sure, there are still the petty small problems of putting life back together here after being gone for so long, but it's getting closer and closer to normal.

My iPod fried itself once again which has forced me to use my computer as a source of music.  Today this is making me kind of happy:



Oh. and this.

the tough get going...

Since I have no idea where to even begin about where to start about what has happened over the last three months or so, I am going to just skip over that part for now and just start from now.  I am now back home in the States and while the original reasons that brought me here are sad and heartbreaking, I am starting to feel a bit more like myself again.  I have taken all the exams required for certification to teach in Maryland and now I'm just playing the waiting game. I'm nearly done with the same process for D.C. as well and we'll see which works out first.  I am working (though only part time) tutoring, though not in ESL, and it's been a wonderful outlet and I am happy to be working with kids again.  It reminds me of how I ended up in Spain and in this whole mess to begin with, if that makes any sense.  I mostly work with kids who are struggling with one thing or another and it makes me feel good to know that I can make a difference in even one life, as trite as it sounds.

One thing I have noticed is just how little most people seem to respect the teaching profession.  I mean, I am back to hanging out in D.C. and for the most part when people ask you the dreaded and banal question "So, what do you do?," I am starting to expect the look of quasi disappointment in their eyes as they scan the room/bar/patio for someone more influential or interesting to talk to.  But seriously folks? Are you really that shallow and short-sighted? Just sayin'

But it does feel good to be back somewhere familiar. Although I did try to fit into another culture, I never seemed to find much success in it but I know I have learned a lot of valuable lessons about myself... my shortcomings...my strengths.  I am not going to be so jaded as to assign a negative memory to a whole country, but I will say that I feel a lot less embarrassed to be American here- I guess that goes without saying.  I don't have to make apologies for the things I like and my ideas about things.  I don't have to repeatedly slam a square peg into the ever-round hole anymore and the sentiment that remains is an overwhelming sense of relief, as much as I hate to admit it.

I am happy to be back with the people that really love me, and not the ones that feel they have to.  I can't say how grateful I am for everyone who has been there for me in big and small ways. Some of them probably know it, but there are some that have done it by simply existing.

I am even finding myself open to the idea of a future when not so long ago it seemed like the pain was permanent.  I am overwhelmed and humbled by my own heart and that of others - it is such a resilient instrument if you let it be.

p.s. this is so pretty i can hardly stand it.

whoa.

I know it's probably super lame, but I've been going to play bingo on wednesday nights with my father, uncles, aunt and cousin. Sometimes my sister comes along too.  At this point in my life, I can sure use the distraction and there is something relaxing about it for some odd reason.  Last night, I even won $100 which is super relaxing when gas prices are ridiculous. It's for charity- don't hate.  :)

Seasons in Life

I find myself in a place that I've been before in my life.  The place where confusion is the only certainty and there is a real need for an anchor that is always missing.  I'm back in Maryland for the time being and the whirlwind and vacuum I find myself in is sometimes a little more than I can bear alone.  Sure, I have friends here, but I don't seem to find what it is that I need and I'm unsure of what that really is myself anyway so it wouldn't be fair to be disappointed.

I guess today I realized that I am REALLY alone instead of just alone and that the only saving grace or relief is going to have to come from myself and right now I'm just waiting to get to the point where I can  provide it.  People make promises they don't and can't keep and some are just far too engrossed in other things to be there for me at the moment.  I guess in my mind I thought I would have more support and on top of that I lack the patience for myself.  It's only been a couple of weeks and I lose and regain my resolve at 5 or 10 minute intervals. I knew it would be hard, but not this hard.

Seriously. I just think I want someone to sit there and drink something with me and smoke cigarettes and tell me it will all be okay. I guess I'm going to have to be that person for myself and that is okay.  Loneliness is to be expected, but it always comes as a surprise.

if you were here...

D,

There are so many things I wish you were still here to talk with about.  I somehow feel like your advice in this particular situation would help me find some peace or balance in my mind.  So I find myself trying to think of what you might say, your unique perspective- impossible really- it could be so many different things.  There have been some really hard decisions to make lately and I feel so lost about everything. I've always preferred to think that the dear departed can help us out in a pinch, so I'm asking for it now.  I think you would say to follow my heart, so I am, but sometimes that is just so hard.
 
Still missing you.

 -Fräulein

some surprises are pleasant.

Nothing very deep to report today- I think my brain shuts down at the weekend.  Yes, I did say at the weekend...welcome to British English.  Had a laugh or two this morning on facebook regarding the choking career of one Bob Dylan.  Those are the times that I actually appreciate it for what it can be.  It's amazing what time and distance and a social networking site can do for what started as a not so wonderful morning.
Today I also had a chance to catch up with a friend here that I work with, only when at work we never get a chance to see each other.  It was nice for a lot of reasons: first,  that I didn't have to try to explain my jumbled mess of a head in a second language.  Also, because it's pretty rare for me to actually come across a person I can feel comfortable being honest with about much of anything. What a relief and a pleasure to remember that there are some good people out there.  And it got me thinking about some other things later...why I care so much about pleasing other people and why I'm so incredibly hard on myself.  We didn't talk about criticism at all today- but someone else mentioned to me recently about how they really dislike criticism.  Who doesn't?  But then I was jumping around the news and some other sites I like to check out for a little inspiration on occasion and I happened upon this:

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-deal-with-criticism-well-25-reasons-to-embrace-it/

I guess this could be a new way of looking at something that I find extremely uncomfortable.  I don't think I can digest all that in one sitting, but I'll re-read it again when I'm a little more receptive.  Right now I'm craving beer and stupid games on facebook, along with other things not mentioned here.  This is a blog, not a laundry room!

mental dental floss

So today marks the first day back to (gasp!) therapy for me in what seems like years.  The obvious question first.  Am I crazy? No.  Do I sometimes need a sounding board to bounce things off of that has no emotional investment in my life? Absolutely. We get by with a little help from our friends, but I guess I want more than just getting by.  Being a little happy sometimes would be nice.  I know that I've felt that way before, so why not again.

Moving to another country has proved to be more of a growing and stalling experience than I had planned on, to put it lightly.  I've grown in some ways, I'd like to think, but there are some areas in which I need a gentle push or a feisty kick in the arse.  I don't know what holds me back from doing certain things and I'm not exactly sure what defects play a part in said things.  But I suppose the important part is more that I am not scared of investigating that and doing the work that is necessary, no matter how uncomfortable. Actually, that's a lie. I'm scared.  Change is good and needed but it's not always my strong suit which seems a little ridiculous considering some of the steps I've taken in the last few years.  I guess my emotional side has not caught up to some of the physical aspects yet and therein lies the problem.

I'm a big wuss though.  I have opted to find what is probably the only person in the whole city who supposedly speaks English because I'm less than confident in expressing myself fully in Spanish.  Another thing that I need some help with.  With Spanish, at least, I know what needs to be done but I can't seem to do it.  That being said, I'm going to try to go into this evening with an open mind and hope for the best.  But I have to be honest and say that I have my doubts...there are some aspects to culture that undoubtedly play a part in life and outlook and I'm not sure that I will be able to handle the Spanish tough love.  I hate criticism, but I am my own worst critic.  I think I already mentioned before that I'm full of contradictions.

Update:  Well, that was yesterday and I can now say that he speaks enough English to be useful- but like most people here who say they speak English, is not exactly fluent.  I think I will just continue and see how it goes- the bonus is he seems to be a nice person- at least that was my first impression. One of my problems with therapy has always been that I'm not entirely sure that a person that I'm paying isn't just saying what I want to hear.  I'm just going to try and forget about that aspect and get it done.

Make like a snake...

So I don't buy into astrology completely but I do think that there is some merit to it. I don't live my life based on it or anything nearly that ridiculous but I do read my horoscope in a couple of places just for kicks on occasion.  Rob Brezny (freewillstrology.com) has a tendency to freak me out on the regular.  This particular time I'm not creeped out, but I do think that perhaps this is some advice that I should follow.  He, however, should have included an instruction manual for us over-thinkers (as most of us tend to be) for how to decipher which ideas don't serve you anymore, etc.:


"Shedding is healthy -- not just for cats and dogs and other animals but also for us humans. Did you know that you shed thousands of particles of dead skin every hour? And just as our bodies need to shed, so do our psyches. I bring this up, Virgo, because you are in an unusually favorable phase to do a whole lot of psychic shedding. What should you shed exactly? How about some of these: old ideas that don't serve you any more, habits that undermine your ability to pursue your dreams, compulsions that are at odds with your noble intentions, resentment against people who did you wrong a long, long time ago, and anything else you carry with you that keeps you from being fully alive and radiant. To paraphrase Thomas Jefferson, the price of freedom and aliveness is eternal shedding."

I think I'll start with these...the idea that my history is who I am, although it has a nagging tendency to predict things that happen in the future. That I must always analyze what fault of mine played a part in every failure or lesson learned. That blood is thicker than water.  That forgiveness is always possible and virtuous- sometimes distance is better.  One thing that I've been lucky to shed lately are some of the resentments.  Baggage that was always sitting at the back of my mind.  I would be lying if I said that I still didn't have a couple that I'm not ready to let go of, but the Universe has been pretty good to me lately.  Maybe not the apologies I was looking for, but the acknowledgement that some harm had been done is enough for me and I respect those that were able to give it.  Habits...let's go with smoking for the umpteenth time.  Oh. And while we're at it, let's add self-deprecation to the list.  I have some things to get rid of, for sure.  I think I'll start with the easy things like the closets first and work my way outwards.  Why wait for Spring?

Since I'm getting rid of things though, I think it's best to replace these things with something slightly more positive.  But let's face it- I'll never be an grinning optimist.  How about optimism with a little realism thrown in?  Any suggestions?  Things you tell yourself that have made a positive change in your life?  

sidenote:  No "think positive" allowed.  Deeper, please.  I'm beginning to think I'm talking to the walls here.

Internet, sometimes you overwhelm me.

I remember being one of the first to have the glorious and time-sucking internet because of the job my step-father had back then.  I spent a lot of time in chats and got a few pen friends out of the deal, none of which I communicate with anymore.  And now that I'm far away from home, I have to admit that it is a blessing to be able to have some kind of connection with my friends and family there that doesn't require a telephone or a plane ticket.  But that blessing is also sometimes a curse.

The first offender... my love and hate relationship with facebook and social networking in general.  Years ago I read an article about the implications of social networking in a UMBC magazine...what it was doing to us and our personalities.  Recently, I saw a similar article that someone posted on facebook that was not nearly as scientific, but equally as interesting. (http://www.theatlantic.com/technology/archive/2012/01/the-facebook-eye/251377/).  I love it for all that it can be used for, but hate it a little for all of the same reasons. You can share ideas with your friends; things you are 'into', photo albums, articles....all the things that you miss when you are miles apart.  This part I think is wonderful and has the potential to be used for good and fascinating things.  It already has.  but then there is the clique-like, drama-laden environment that reminds me a bit of high school or a soap opera. I'll start off by admitting that yes,  I'm guilty of having posted a status that might have been interpreted as passive-aggressive or even brazenly confrontational, but I try to keep my online drama to a minimum.  I also appreciate the ability to block people or change your mind and delete people from your life and mind.  But when we use these mediums to be the worst kind of voyeurs...I think it breeds something inside some people that is detrimental to them and others 'around' them.  I think it allows us to think we are closer to some people than we actually are...to engage with them in ways that we never would face to face. To say things we normally wouldn't.  And yes all this has been written before by someone else... it's just that I've been thinking of it more recently.  I've gotten strange emails from all kinds of people that I didn't really know, but who felt comfortable enough to send me those messages that probed a bit into my personal life.  I'm a private person, but I've been known to be an open book at the same time.  There are no limits to the ways in which I contradict myself on a regular basis.  But those messages bothered me in a way.  They proved that those people noticed/saw things about me in a certain  way that was most certainly a result of the 'self' that I project or show in a medium such as facebook.  Kind of scary to think about really. I could go on and on really about the stupid things that facebook has helped propel from being a petty disagreement to a full on feud.  Complete with deletion and all.  A seriously horrific tool if used in the wrong way.

Which brings me to number two.  I love that the internet, in general, is full of an seemingly endless wealth of information.  That's great... but it's also a little overwhelming at times and I feel like it is often the impetus for me never getting anything done.  Sure.. it's full of inspiration and ideas.  But sometimes I just get drug down by everyone and their creativeness instead of inspired.  Sometimes I feel like that person on the bike up there.  I guess that is a personal problem, and not Pinterest or any other well-intentioned blogger out there. 

Third, my stupid ever expanding gmail account that is full of emails that I don't want to respond to or read.  Or take the time to filter or block.  Today, I just feel like running away from questions and explanations for anything.  I think I deserve the peace and freedom of not having to answer to everyone all the time- I don't feel like I OWE anyone anything just because my choice of partner in life has brought me to live in another country.  I think I should rename this blog to the Negative Nelly Chronicles. Ugh.

So there you go.  My semi-circular thinking that has once again brought me to the conclusion that the problem lies within.  I think this week is a good enough time to start working on that already, only I'm not sure how.

turns out Michael Jackson was right... I'm not alone!

So this week I was back to teaching again and I feel a little bit better about at least one thing that's been bothering me for awhile now.  On Tuesday evenings I teach two women around the same age as me that can't make it to another class during the week.  We have only had a few classes together so far, but it usually turns into more conversation than anything else.  They are curious about how I ended up here (and married) so quickly and American culture and we always find lots of thing to talk about- which is great for them and as it turns out, great for me as well.  I have learned a few things about Valladolid that I don't think that my husband could have told me and it's different coming from a woman's perspective.  They tell me about their boyfriends (or lack of) and Spanish men.  We always find something to laugh about.

This week they confirmed what I have found to be true, in this city at least.  I had started to think that it was just me and that I am just shy... but no.  They agree that people in Valladolid are probably the unfriendliest people in all of Spain.  Turns out they are both transplants from other neighboring cities and towns in Castilla y Leon and they feel exactly the same way about the people here (in general).  Well that is a load off my mind in a way... at least I know it's not only me.  And perhaps in the future maybe they could become friends, or at least give me ideas of where to meet people who are a little more open. At the very least I've had more to talk about with them in the last two weeks than I've had to say to anyone here in the last two years.  There is one exception to this... my husband's friend is lucky enough to have a wife who isn't a complete ice cube, but our schedules are different so I don't see much of her unless we are all together on a weekend for something.

I guess it just takes time but I am starting to feel less like a leper and more like an outsider who has a bit more of a handicap than the average person here.  At least it's not the primary reason!

Double wow.

I am trying to follow the advice of the artist's way and several other books so I will try to write something for a half an hour every day.  I really need to get myself on some kind of productive schedule because right now I just feel like I'm floating around in a jelly-like tepid reality with not much to show for my days, especially when I'm not teaching.  

While I thoroughly enjoyed parts of my trip home, I can honestly say it was one of the worst ever for various reasons.  I had this professor in grad school that used to say double wow when something really baffled him.  That is pretty much how I feel about this trip and some people's behavior.  As usual, everything in my life seems to come to a head at once and I'm sure I'm to blame for at least the method of discovery in this.  Is it possible to read too many 'inspirational' things at once to the point where you don't know your head from your arse anymore?  I'm not sure I can blame that either.  I don't know what to do about my so-called career as of late.  I am stuck paying student loans for the rest of time while making very little money here.  Sure, it's enough to get somewhere, but not very quickly and certainly not where I expected to be after finishing my MA.  If I want to have a regular job in the schools here, I have to go through what they call the CAP which is basically like another master's program as far as I can tell, even if I homologate my degrees here.  That is nearly another two years and more money dedicated to something I'm not sure that I really want anyway.  So. Frustrating.  

I've never been afraid of the stigma that therapy seems to have for some people and I've spent plenty of time working at things.  I would love to go back here, though I'm not sure I can express myself well enough to get anything done in Spanish.  I must admit, wherever you go- there you are couldn't be more true, but Spain is taking quite the beating in my head as it seems to be the source of all my frustrations lately and it's starting to make me really dislike being here. 

I suppose I could try harder to make friends here. Although how exactly does one do that when they live in the middle of nowhere , isn't a native speaker and has little opportunity for socializing?    I wish I had different hours but to manage that I'd have to either go entirely to private lessons and probably wouldn't make as much as I make now, not to mention that the hours would likely not be much different.  Or teach in a regular school but I already mentioned the hurdle with that.  Did I mention that I have to do drivers ed again to get a license here? Oh moody expat's... are you out there?  Someone please say that this will turn around in a month or two.

It's Griping Hour here in blog land so no one has to listen later...

Sorry, it's complaining hour for me.  Nothing seems to be going right today.

First, I spent the first part of my day cleaning up the trash outside that someone's stupid neighborhood cat decided to rip open.  Sure, I guess part of it is my fault since I put it outside in the first place last night, but since it is so damn cold here now I figured that the cats would be inside.  No such luck.  Nothing like starting your day with picking up trash from the last few days.  So as I was thinking how much I can't stand cats, I opened up my gmail to find an email from my mother telling me that she had to put our cat to sleep yesterday.  Jeez universe, could you be a more challenging lately?

It's winter here in Valladolid.  One of the unfortunate things about where we live in Spain is that the weather is exactly the same as it was in Maryland.  I moved away from Maryland to Florida prior to coming here, in part, because of the winter.  I can't really help that my mental state is not really equipped for it...and for people who don't have this issue- you will never understand.  I wanted to walk the dog for an hour or two today, but it is currently so windy that our table outside is moving so it's hard to motivate myself to venture out.  The sky has been the ugliest color of grey you can imagine for days.  I'm so over it.  I hope they have some sun waiting for us in Maryland.

My memory seems to get worse every day and I can no longer remember my stupid xbox live id and so my profiles on my xbox won't match up and everything is in Spanish so it's even harder to figure out what the problem is.  I am so frustrated with myself and the stupid language.  Last night we had a dinner with politicians here and I think I did okay- I talked to more people than I usually do and most of them understood me - but today I'm practically in tears because I can't do what I wanted to do on my day off because of my stupid memory and my lack of proficiency.  I wrote it down somewhere, but I can't find the paper or notebook it's in and for the life of me can't picture it in my mind even though it was only a few weeks ago.  I want to listen to my spotify, but that too, has expired. Fail technology. Fail.

Last night I was criticized for forgetting things that I had been told.  I just can't seem to get myself together lately.  I mean, I could attribute it to the whole thyroid thing, but they say that I should be getting back to normal soon.  So that makes me feel like I'm just stupid or something and to be honest, at times, it's a little scary.  My memory sucks things away from me- even things I want to remember.  The sound of a voice.  Memories that I'd like to keep.  I can barely remember the beginning of my relationship with my husband and that was only 2 years ago.  But yet I remember things that I would be better off forgetting.  My memory is like a hall of  funhouse mirrors, reflecting nothing or something warped and ugly at the same time.  I'm not sure what the solution to that is and I'm fairly sure that even the best therapist couldn't help with this issue- I've already tried.

Then later,  criticized for being too negative.  Well pardon me for being honest when people ask me about things and how I like my job, etc.  Apparently in Spain it's not considered polite to be honest about such things and you should always focus on the positive or lie.  Excuse me?  Are we still in the same country where people ask someone they don't know if they are pregnant?  The same woman who looked at me like I had two heads because I told her that sometimes I don't like the kids here gave me the advice that I shouldn't have children because it will ruin my relationship- never met her in my life.  Tell me, what is the difference?  The hypocrisy.  The disconnection. It's annoying and it burns me up sometimes.  There are moments when I truly enjoy people and moments when I'd rather just sit here by myself.  I always assume that people are capable of having a real conversation- my bad.

A couple of my students made me feel like a kind of freak the other day because I don't have any friends here and I don't have much of a social life either.  What can I say?  Our lives are busy and I don't always have time for things in the evenings when everyone else is free because I work when everyone else is off.  Anyway, I think it's mostly better to not show myself here.  I feel like a weirdo most of the time and I think people only think that I'm sweet as long as I smile and stay quiet.  I miss my real friends.

I've reached out to people recently and gotten so little response that I am starting to  feel like it's not worth the effort.  I'm invisible, after all.  I'm too shy... too timid... to whatever or not enough of something for people to like I guess.

I guess I just feel overwhelmed.  Too much has been going on lately and I just think I've reached my limit.  Or it could just be good old PMS (which is more than a strong possibility) and maybe days from now this will all seem silly and completely manageable.  At the moment my head is full of the same color that I see outside.

Resolutions and Reservations

Yesterday with my FCE class we were talking about resolutions for the new year.  It seemed like a natural thing to do since we have been working with talking about the future. It also made me realize something about myself that I'm a little wary to share.  I still care about what others think of me more than I'd like to.  I mean, even something as simple as giving them examples of resolutions made me feel a little exposed for a moment.  Sure, I could have given them false examples that have nothing to do with me, but where is the fun in that? and also... I would rather have them think of me as a real person and not an actor.  Is acting part of teaching?  Yes, in a way, but it's not a strength of mine.  I feel a little ashamed about the fact that I still smoke (occasionally) and I hate to share that with people that don't know me well- but they asked! I refuse to lie in the face of a direct question.  Anyway... I thought today I would try to write a resolution list for myself in the hopes that I will actually try to work on it this year by guilting myself with putting it into words that I can refer back to.  Here we go.

1.  I will (must) learn more Spanish this year. 

Seriously... this is not something I can handle much longer.  I feel like I have totally reached a plateau- I understand and can (kind of) communicate on some kind of rudimentary level, but that anxiety is still a big roadblock for me. How is this any different than my personality in English?  In reality it's not... but I am not happy being a person that wants to give more to others that is stuck in a shy person's prison-like body.  I have to find a way to at least make small improvements or I'm gonna sink or go crazy here.

2.  I will stop worrying about the drama in my family and blaming myself for it and other things that aren't my problem.

I should have learned this one by now.  As far as I am concerned, my side of the street is clean on this one- I tried to make amends with some of them by reaching out or explaining myself time after time.  I am not the one to blame for others grudges or bad feelings towards me when I have done nothing- regardless if they are within my own family.  I need to start spending precious energy on people that care about me and actually deserve it.  As for other things that aren't my problem...that is pretty self-explanatory but I have a tendency to internalize negative things in other people's lives and I would like to change that.  Makes for bad self-talk.

3.  I will not slack on keeping in shape despite the weather.

Given that I have thyroid issues, I can't afford to let up, especially since I'm mid-30's now.  No excuses, even if winter is depressing as hell and I'd rather sit in front of the tv/computer/book and do nothing.  Especially after the wake up call I've had this week after returning to Jillian videos.  Life is hard when you can barely move!

4. I will read more non-fiction this year in the attempts to be less stupid.

While fiction is my favorite and I have read a lot this year (just ask my husband who is always complaining about it) including some classics that I never got around to, I want to try to expand my horizons.  Open to suggestions starting now.

5.  I will go back to my own 'style' and stop trying to be a 'grown-up.'

Comfort inside my own skin here is an issue and I'm just not that 'girly' on a day to day basis.  

6.  I will try to go back to doing something creative on a more regular basis.

I really miss design sometimes and my old career.  I mean, teaching certainly challenges your creativity in a different way, but I have been doing some kind of art since I was a kid and only stopped in the last few years or so.  I start something, but never finish it.  I will try to change that this year, regardless of my fear that it will totally stink.

7.  I am going to be less obsessed with cleaning and try to enjoy my life more- the world won't end if things aren't perfect or a representation of me, whatever that is.

Those are the only ones I can think of at the moment, though there is always room for improvement.  I will have to look back later and see how well I've done.

Ink and Masks

There are so many things going on in my mind lately...but I'll just try to share a few.  I am more conscious now of the fact that my memory doesn't work very well and at least one day if I should forget what this was like I have documented it in some way.

After much deliberation I think I have finally made the commitment to ink myself.  I used to be afraid ... afraid that I would choose something that later would mean nothing... or that my skin and its unpredictable sensitivities would react abnormally.  All the fear has gone out the window recently.  One of my brothers has a tattoo that I've loved since I saw it.  Yes, it's religious...but I think that the older I get the more I believe in the things that I believed when I was growing up- the more life throws at me that I NEED to believe it for my own sanity.  I have known a lot of people in my life who I admired- they were smarter and wiser than I was and they were avid believers that any belief such as mine was for the weak minded.  So I hid it.  Years later I care less and less what people think of me and I don't feel the need to put on a mask and pretend that I don't but I don't feel the need to advertise either.  In the past, a lot of things happened that made me question it.  But I  think that happens to everyone- life is meant to make you question. And no, this does not mean that I don't believe in science or evolution. Let's not be ridiculous... but do I believe in energy? connection beyond chemistry?  sure.

I think within families and groups of friends there are always some that you identify with more and although age separates us by more than 10 years, I see myself in my brother and him in me.  And now after the last week I need a reminder of why we are still here.  I want something tangible to remind me and I want some kind of way to honor it in a visible way.  Do I need it? No.  But I think that it will help me to accept things... to realize how far I have come and that some of us don't make it.  I need to believe that they are forgiven, as well as myself.  I have to believe that regardless of the mistakes we make, the love that we give is stronger than error.  And more importantly,that I am not one to judge what is an error and what is not.

I have also been thinking a lot about masks.  The disguises we put on that make us strangers to each other.  They way that we hide parts of ourselves and show the parts that we either want people to see or are comfortable showing.  It's a concept that has long been a part of our vernacular and mythology.  We write novels about it... songs. Camus, Joel, Cohen.  It's everywhere.  But how often do you think about how well you know the people that are closest to you?  Is that closeness something real, or an imagined  one-sided connection?  It used to really piss me off when I was younger and my mother told me that 'perception is reality'- although she was using that as leverage for an entirely different argument.  But it's true for entirely different reasons.  We create our own reality and the impressions we have of people are sometimes only that.

Maybe that is not who they really are. It often isn't and sometimes we find out in ways that shock or disappoint us. Last night my husband reminded me that I'm not always the most observant of the obvious things about a person.  I think that is mostly because I accept people as they are without immediately attributing it to something underlying.  It takes time for me to make those assumptions.  But maybe our impressions of ourselves are wrong as well.  Who I see when I look at myself is likely someone quite different than my husband sees in me- or perhaps not.  In our mind is a private little island.  Your lips are moving and saying something but your mind is somewhere else.  I don't put anything past myself and I never assume that I would do or not do something in someone else's shoes.  That's just dumb and reminds me of a mind-set that sits on the right.  Perhaps naive and impossible, I try to wear as few masks as possible in my life.  I think that I am often honest to a fault, but I feel more comfortable exposing these things than hiding them.  It just makes me feel more human.