progress

In part, the actual definition of the word is movement towards a destination.  I guess I am making some kinds of progress in that sense, but everything seems to take forever and I have no patience left.  It's been about 4 months since I left Spain and in some ways things could not be more different.  Other things seem frozen and that frustrates me.  I'm still waiting on my pending certification to teach here next Fall, but I do have part-time work which is something I guess.  I really enjoy the job and sometimes think I get more out of it than my students.  Hopefully within a week or two I will have some word on whether or not they are going to give me the certificate in Maryland and I'll be through the last test for D.C.  One of the two has to work out, right?  At least that is what I keep telling myself. Today I had to send the Board more information so they are reviewing it and right now that's all I can wish for.

The things that stress me the most lately are money and the fear that history has even a snowball's chance in hell of repeating itself. The money aspect because I only have so long before it runs out without a full time source of income and I'm always worried about that anyway- call it a Virgo obsession or just plain paranoid.  When you've fallen enough times you learn to respect the pavement, you know?  History repeating itself...well that doesn't require a whole lot of an explanation.  To think that my judgement about a person, place, or thing could ever again be quite as off as it has been in the last two years is a terrifying thought. Terr.I.fying.  Will I allow the fear of being wrong again stunt me and anything green that might come? That, I guess, is the question. For the sake of someone in particular, I hope not. There are moments that I am sure of myself and then in a moment it can all blow away remembering where I have been and how I got there.

Family has required a lot of attention lately and I feel myself being pulled in so many directions.  Regardless of whether the problems are mine, I have a sense of responsibility that I can't shake and that stings more than I'd like it to lately.  Parts of me are still raw...that I know.  It leads me to react to kindness with something harsh sometimes...as if I can't believe in its sincerity. I hope that feeling takes a vacation really soon...it isn't fair to those around me and I don't want to be that person.  It's fine if I lost material things when I came back from Spain, but I don't want to lose the goodness that was there before.

I guess things are mostly fine, for now.  I feel like my friends are either distant or gone and this divorce has really been something that I've had to do alone which is probably best in the end.  The kids I work with give me a purpose and the hope for the future keeps me going.  Sure, there are still the petty small problems of putting life back together here after being gone for so long, but it's getting closer and closer to normal.

My iPod fried itself once again which has forced me to use my computer as a source of music.  Today this is making me kind of happy:



Oh. and this.

the tough get going...

Since I have no idea where to even begin about where to start about what has happened over the last three months or so, I am going to just skip over that part for now and just start from now.  I am now back home in the States and while the original reasons that brought me here are sad and heartbreaking, I am starting to feel a bit more like myself again.  I have taken all the exams required for certification to teach in Maryland and now I'm just playing the waiting game. I'm nearly done with the same process for D.C. as well and we'll see which works out first.  I am working (though only part time) tutoring, though not in ESL, and it's been a wonderful outlet and I am happy to be working with kids again.  It reminds me of how I ended up in Spain and in this whole mess to begin with, if that makes any sense.  I mostly work with kids who are struggling with one thing or another and it makes me feel good to know that I can make a difference in even one life, as trite as it sounds.

One thing I have noticed is just how little most people seem to respect the teaching profession.  I mean, I am back to hanging out in D.C. and for the most part when people ask you the dreaded and banal question "So, what do you do?," I am starting to expect the look of quasi disappointment in their eyes as they scan the room/bar/patio for someone more influential or interesting to talk to.  But seriously folks? Are you really that shallow and short-sighted? Just sayin'

But it does feel good to be back somewhere familiar. Although I did try to fit into another culture, I never seemed to find much success in it but I know I have learned a lot of valuable lessons about myself... my shortcomings...my strengths.  I am not going to be so jaded as to assign a negative memory to a whole country, but I will say that I feel a lot less embarrassed to be American here- I guess that goes without saying.  I don't have to make apologies for the things I like and my ideas about things.  I don't have to repeatedly slam a square peg into the ever-round hole anymore and the sentiment that remains is an overwhelming sense of relief, as much as I hate to admit it.

I am happy to be back with the people that really love me, and not the ones that feel they have to.  I can't say how grateful I am for everyone who has been there for me in big and small ways. Some of them probably know it, but there are some that have done it by simply existing.

I am even finding myself open to the idea of a future when not so long ago it seemed like the pain was permanent.  I am overwhelmed and humbled by my own heart and that of others - it is such a resilient instrument if you let it be.

p.s. this is so pretty i can hardly stand it.

whoa.

I know it's probably super lame, but I've been going to play bingo on wednesday nights with my father, uncles, aunt and cousin. Sometimes my sister comes along too.  At this point in my life, I can sure use the distraction and there is something relaxing about it for some odd reason.  Last night, I even won $100 which is super relaxing when gas prices are ridiculous. It's for charity- don't hate.  :)

Seasons in Life

I find myself in a place that I've been before in my life.  The place where confusion is the only certainty and there is a real need for an anchor that is always missing.  I'm back in Maryland for the time being and the whirlwind and vacuum I find myself in is sometimes a little more than I can bear alone.  Sure, I have friends here, but I don't seem to find what it is that I need and I'm unsure of what that really is myself anyway so it wouldn't be fair to be disappointed.

I guess today I realized that I am REALLY alone instead of just alone and that the only saving grace or relief is going to have to come from myself and right now I'm just waiting to get to the point where I can  provide it.  People make promises they don't and can't keep and some are just far too engrossed in other things to be there for me at the moment.  I guess in my mind I thought I would have more support and on top of that I lack the patience for myself.  It's only been a couple of weeks and I lose and regain my resolve at 5 or 10 minute intervals. I knew it would be hard, but not this hard.

Seriously. I just think I want someone to sit there and drink something with me and smoke cigarettes and tell me it will all be okay. I guess I'm going to have to be that person for myself and that is okay.  Loneliness is to be expected, but it always comes as a surprise.

if you were here...

D,

There are so many things I wish you were still here to talk with about.  I somehow feel like your advice in this particular situation would help me find some peace or balance in my mind.  So I find myself trying to think of what you might say, your unique perspective- impossible really- it could be so many different things.  There have been some really hard decisions to make lately and I feel so lost about everything. I've always preferred to think that the dear departed can help us out in a pinch, so I'm asking for it now.  I think you would say to follow my heart, so I am, but sometimes that is just so hard.
 
Still missing you.

 -Fräulein

some surprises are pleasant.

Nothing very deep to report today- I think my brain shuts down at the weekend.  Yes, I did say at the weekend...welcome to British English.  Had a laugh or two this morning on facebook regarding the choking career of one Bob Dylan.  Those are the times that I actually appreciate it for what it can be.  It's amazing what time and distance and a social networking site can do for what started as a not so wonderful morning.
Today I also had a chance to catch up with a friend here that I work with, only when at work we never get a chance to see each other.  It was nice for a lot of reasons: first,  that I didn't have to try to explain my jumbled mess of a head in a second language.  Also, because it's pretty rare for me to actually come across a person I can feel comfortable being honest with about much of anything. What a relief and a pleasure to remember that there are some good people out there.  And it got me thinking about some other things later...why I care so much about pleasing other people and why I'm so incredibly hard on myself.  We didn't talk about criticism at all today- but someone else mentioned to me recently about how they really dislike criticism.  Who doesn't?  But then I was jumping around the news and some other sites I like to check out for a little inspiration on occasion and I happened upon this:

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-deal-with-criticism-well-25-reasons-to-embrace-it/

I guess this could be a new way of looking at something that I find extremely uncomfortable.  I don't think I can digest all that in one sitting, but I'll re-read it again when I'm a little more receptive.  Right now I'm craving beer and stupid games on facebook, along with other things not mentioned here.  This is a blog, not a laundry room!

mental dental floss

So today marks the first day back to (gasp!) therapy for me in what seems like years.  The obvious question first.  Am I crazy? No.  Do I sometimes need a sounding board to bounce things off of that has no emotional investment in my life? Absolutely. We get by with a little help from our friends, but I guess I want more than just getting by.  Being a little happy sometimes would be nice.  I know that I've felt that way before, so why not again.

Moving to another country has proved to be more of a growing and stalling experience than I had planned on, to put it lightly.  I've grown in some ways, I'd like to think, but there are some areas in which I need a gentle push or a feisty kick in the arse.  I don't know what holds me back from doing certain things and I'm not exactly sure what defects play a part in said things.  But I suppose the important part is more that I am not scared of investigating that and doing the work that is necessary, no matter how uncomfortable. Actually, that's a lie. I'm scared.  Change is good and needed but it's not always my strong suit which seems a little ridiculous considering some of the steps I've taken in the last few years.  I guess my emotional side has not caught up to some of the physical aspects yet and therein lies the problem.

I'm a big wuss though.  I have opted to find what is probably the only person in the whole city who supposedly speaks English because I'm less than confident in expressing myself fully in Spanish.  Another thing that I need some help with.  With Spanish, at least, I know what needs to be done but I can't seem to do it.  That being said, I'm going to try to go into this evening with an open mind and hope for the best.  But I have to be honest and say that I have my doubts...there are some aspects to culture that undoubtedly play a part in life and outlook and I'm not sure that I will be able to handle the Spanish tough love.  I hate criticism, but I am my own worst critic.  I think I already mentioned before that I'm full of contradictions.

Update:  Well, that was yesterday and I can now say that he speaks enough English to be useful- but like most people here who say they speak English, is not exactly fluent.  I think I will just continue and see how it goes- the bonus is he seems to be a nice person- at least that was my first impression. One of my problems with therapy has always been that I'm not entirely sure that a person that I'm paying isn't just saying what I want to hear.  I'm just going to try and forget about that aspect and get it done.