It's Griping Hour here in blog land so no one has to listen later...

Sorry, it's complaining hour for me.  Nothing seems to be going right today.

First, I spent the first part of my day cleaning up the trash outside that someone's stupid neighborhood cat decided to rip open.  Sure, I guess part of it is my fault since I put it outside in the first place last night, but since it is so damn cold here now I figured that the cats would be inside.  No such luck.  Nothing like starting your day with picking up trash from the last few days.  So as I was thinking how much I can't stand cats, I opened up my gmail to find an email from my mother telling me that she had to put our cat to sleep yesterday.  Jeez universe, could you be a more challenging lately?

It's winter here in Valladolid.  One of the unfortunate things about where we live in Spain is that the weather is exactly the same as it was in Maryland.  I moved away from Maryland to Florida prior to coming here, in part, because of the winter.  I can't really help that my mental state is not really equipped for it...and for people who don't have this issue- you will never understand.  I wanted to walk the dog for an hour or two today, but it is currently so windy that our table outside is moving so it's hard to motivate myself to venture out.  The sky has been the ugliest color of grey you can imagine for days.  I'm so over it.  I hope they have some sun waiting for us in Maryland.

My memory seems to get worse every day and I can no longer remember my stupid xbox live id and so my profiles on my xbox won't match up and everything is in Spanish so it's even harder to figure out what the problem is.  I am so frustrated with myself and the stupid language.  Last night we had a dinner with politicians here and I think I did okay- I talked to more people than I usually do and most of them understood me - but today I'm practically in tears because I can't do what I wanted to do on my day off because of my stupid memory and my lack of proficiency.  I wrote it down somewhere, but I can't find the paper or notebook it's in and for the life of me can't picture it in my mind even though it was only a few weeks ago.  I want to listen to my spotify, but that too, has expired. Fail technology. Fail.

Last night I was criticized for forgetting things that I had been told.  I just can't seem to get myself together lately.  I mean, I could attribute it to the whole thyroid thing, but they say that I should be getting back to normal soon.  So that makes me feel like I'm just stupid or something and to be honest, at times, it's a little scary.  My memory sucks things away from me- even things I want to remember.  The sound of a voice.  Memories that I'd like to keep.  I can barely remember the beginning of my relationship with my husband and that was only 2 years ago.  But yet I remember things that I would be better off forgetting.  My memory is like a hall of  funhouse mirrors, reflecting nothing or something warped and ugly at the same time.  I'm not sure what the solution to that is and I'm fairly sure that even the best therapist couldn't help with this issue- I've already tried.

Then later,  criticized for being too negative.  Well pardon me for being honest when people ask me about things and how I like my job, etc.  Apparently in Spain it's not considered polite to be honest about such things and you should always focus on the positive or lie.  Excuse me?  Are we still in the same country where people ask someone they don't know if they are pregnant?  The same woman who looked at me like I had two heads because I told her that sometimes I don't like the kids here gave me the advice that I shouldn't have children because it will ruin my relationship- never met her in my life.  Tell me, what is the difference?  The hypocrisy.  The disconnection. It's annoying and it burns me up sometimes.  There are moments when I truly enjoy people and moments when I'd rather just sit here by myself.  I always assume that people are capable of having a real conversation- my bad.

A couple of my students made me feel like a kind of freak the other day because I don't have any friends here and I don't have much of a social life either.  What can I say?  Our lives are busy and I don't always have time for things in the evenings when everyone else is free because I work when everyone else is off.  Anyway, I think it's mostly better to not show myself here.  I feel like a weirdo most of the time and I think people only think that I'm sweet as long as I smile and stay quiet.  I miss my real friends.

I've reached out to people recently and gotten so little response that I am starting to  feel like it's not worth the effort.  I'm invisible, after all.  I'm too shy... too timid... to whatever or not enough of something for people to like I guess.

I guess I just feel overwhelmed.  Too much has been going on lately and I just think I've reached my limit.  Or it could just be good old PMS (which is more than a strong possibility) and maybe days from now this will all seem silly and completely manageable.  At the moment my head is full of the same color that I see outside.

Resolutions and Reservations

Yesterday with my FCE class we were talking about resolutions for the new year.  It seemed like a natural thing to do since we have been working with talking about the future. It also made me realize something about myself that I'm a little wary to share.  I still care about what others think of me more than I'd like to.  I mean, even something as simple as giving them examples of resolutions made me feel a little exposed for a moment.  Sure, I could have given them false examples that have nothing to do with me, but where is the fun in that? and also... I would rather have them think of me as a real person and not an actor.  Is acting part of teaching?  Yes, in a way, but it's not a strength of mine.  I feel a little ashamed about the fact that I still smoke (occasionally) and I hate to share that with people that don't know me well- but they asked! I refuse to lie in the face of a direct question.  Anyway... I thought today I would try to write a resolution list for myself in the hopes that I will actually try to work on it this year by guilting myself with putting it into words that I can refer back to.  Here we go.

1.  I will (must) learn more Spanish this year. 

Seriously... this is not something I can handle much longer.  I feel like I have totally reached a plateau- I understand and can (kind of) communicate on some kind of rudimentary level, but that anxiety is still a big roadblock for me. How is this any different than my personality in English?  In reality it's not... but I am not happy being a person that wants to give more to others that is stuck in a shy person's prison-like body.  I have to find a way to at least make small improvements or I'm gonna sink or go crazy here.

2.  I will stop worrying about the drama in my family and blaming myself for it and other things that aren't my problem.

I should have learned this one by now.  As far as I am concerned, my side of the street is clean on this one- I tried to make amends with some of them by reaching out or explaining myself time after time.  I am not the one to blame for others grudges or bad feelings towards me when I have done nothing- regardless if they are within my own family.  I need to start spending precious energy on people that care about me and actually deserve it.  As for other things that aren't my problem...that is pretty self-explanatory but I have a tendency to internalize negative things in other people's lives and I would like to change that.  Makes for bad self-talk.

3.  I will not slack on keeping in shape despite the weather.

Given that I have thyroid issues, I can't afford to let up, especially since I'm mid-30's now.  No excuses, even if winter is depressing as hell and I'd rather sit in front of the tv/computer/book and do nothing.  Especially after the wake up call I've had this week after returning to Jillian videos.  Life is hard when you can barely move!

4. I will read more non-fiction this year in the attempts to be less stupid.

While fiction is my favorite and I have read a lot this year (just ask my husband who is always complaining about it) including some classics that I never got around to, I want to try to expand my horizons.  Open to suggestions starting now.

5.  I will go back to my own 'style' and stop trying to be a 'grown-up.'

Comfort inside my own skin here is an issue and I'm just not that 'girly' on a day to day basis.  

6.  I will try to go back to doing something creative on a more regular basis.

I really miss design sometimes and my old career.  I mean, teaching certainly challenges your creativity in a different way, but I have been doing some kind of art since I was a kid and only stopped in the last few years or so.  I start something, but never finish it.  I will try to change that this year, regardless of my fear that it will totally stink.

7.  I am going to be less obsessed with cleaning and try to enjoy my life more- the world won't end if things aren't perfect or a representation of me, whatever that is.

Those are the only ones I can think of at the moment, though there is always room for improvement.  I will have to look back later and see how well I've done.

Ink and Masks

There are so many things going on in my mind lately...but I'll just try to share a few.  I am more conscious now of the fact that my memory doesn't work very well and at least one day if I should forget what this was like I have documented it in some way.

After much deliberation I think I have finally made the commitment to ink myself.  I used to be afraid ... afraid that I would choose something that later would mean nothing... or that my skin and its unpredictable sensitivities would react abnormally.  All the fear has gone out the window recently.  One of my brothers has a tattoo that I've loved since I saw it.  Yes, it's religious...but I think that the older I get the more I believe in the things that I believed when I was growing up- the more life throws at me that I NEED to believe it for my own sanity.  I have known a lot of people in my life who I admired- they were smarter and wiser than I was and they were avid believers that any belief such as mine was for the weak minded.  So I hid it.  Years later I care less and less what people think of me and I don't feel the need to put on a mask and pretend that I don't but I don't feel the need to advertise either.  In the past, a lot of things happened that made me question it.  But I  think that happens to everyone- life is meant to make you question. And no, this does not mean that I don't believe in science or evolution. Let's not be ridiculous... but do I believe in energy? connection beyond chemistry?  sure.

I think within families and groups of friends there are always some that you identify with more and although age separates us by more than 10 years, I see myself in my brother and him in me.  And now after the last week I need a reminder of why we are still here.  I want something tangible to remind me and I want some kind of way to honor it in a visible way.  Do I need it? No.  But I think that it will help me to accept things... to realize how far I have come and that some of us don't make it.  I need to believe that they are forgiven, as well as myself.  I have to believe that regardless of the mistakes we make, the love that we give is stronger than error.  And more importantly,that I am not one to judge what is an error and what is not.

I have also been thinking a lot about masks.  The disguises we put on that make us strangers to each other.  They way that we hide parts of ourselves and show the parts that we either want people to see or are comfortable showing.  It's a concept that has long been a part of our vernacular and mythology.  We write novels about it... songs. Camus, Joel, Cohen.  It's everywhere.  But how often do you think about how well you know the people that are closest to you?  Is that closeness something real, or an imagined  one-sided connection?  It used to really piss me off when I was younger and my mother told me that 'perception is reality'- although she was using that as leverage for an entirely different argument.  But it's true for entirely different reasons.  We create our own reality and the impressions we have of people are sometimes only that.

Maybe that is not who they really are. It often isn't and sometimes we find out in ways that shock or disappoint us. Last night my husband reminded me that I'm not always the most observant of the obvious things about a person.  I think that is mostly because I accept people as they are without immediately attributing it to something underlying.  It takes time for me to make those assumptions.  But maybe our impressions of ourselves are wrong as well.  Who I see when I look at myself is likely someone quite different than my husband sees in me- or perhaps not.  In our mind is a private little island.  Your lips are moving and saying something but your mind is somewhere else.  I don't put anything past myself and I never assume that I would do or not do something in someone else's shoes.  That's just dumb and reminds me of a mind-set that sits on the right.  Perhaps naive and impossible, I try to wear as few masks as possible in my life.  I think that I am often honest to a fault, but I feel more comfortable exposing these things than hiding them.  It just makes me feel more human.

O Teachers, Where art thou?

So... I 'm sitting here trying to distract myself by looking for an activity or game to play with my adult FCE students later this evening.  So far, nothing.  I don't know if it's just my shy personality that won't let me like some of the 'game' suggestions or it's that I know I would suck at executing them.  I had a friend in grad school who was excellent at this type of thing.  He was high energy...funny- almost like a giant kid.  That is so not me.  I mean, my students laugh at me sometimes and my 'jokes' but I'm pretty sure it's a laughing at situation and not a laughing with.  Nevermind that though...I know there are some teachers who read this on occasion.  Any brilliant suggestions?  I don't want to insult them by making them act silly... but I think two months into the course we are comfortable enough with each other to try some new things.  This group hates to give opinions on most things... getting them to speak sometimes is like pulling several teeth in a very slow fashion- but very enjoyable people all around.  Fairly mixed group in terms of ages and levels but only one who has a lot of trouble with speaking.

For Dan

My old friend,

I can't be there to say goodbye today so I'm babbling here again.  I hope you don't mind if I write to you from time to time.  I keep thinking and rethinking  and over-thinking everything about our last conversation and trying to recall if there was any indication.  I know that we were so much alike (as you always reminded me) and so for that reason I know that there probably wasn't.  I know things seemed like they were going south, but I had so much hope.  And I guess that you probably thought that this was best.  I just wish that you hadn't, buddy.  I wish that I, someone.. anyone could have said the right thing to pull you back.  And we hadn't even seen each other in years- yet you were someone that I thought of often and more recently, interacted with often.  I feel so invisible here sometimes and it was such a relief to be actually seen by someone who really knew me.  I miss you already.  I wish you were here to talk again.  I remember we said that we would skype.. next time.  If I had known there wasn't going to be a next time I would have gotten you to stay up all night.  I should have been a better friend.  I know that you can't read this and that you'll never write comments here again.... god...it was always such a comfort to know that you existed.  That there was someone out there like you and could always appreciate the same things that I did.  That took the time to think the things that you did.  And this is only coming from a person as on the fringe as I was.  I don't want to imagine what other people must be feeling, but I can't help it.  I had wanted so badly for you to meet my husband and to meet your wife in person.  I was so looking forward to December and the chance that it could happen.

I don't even know what happened and it's tasteless to ask- but I bet you know it's gnawing at me.  I hate the half answered questions.. and I have so many.  In some way I think I would feel better if I knew and on the other hand I know I never will and that it wouldn't change the pain at all.  All I know is that you're gone and that so many of us want you back.  With my whole heart I hope that you have found the peace that you always needed and wanted so badly.  But it's darker here without you- there's no denying that.  I can't stop thinking about you.  I sent flowers back home because I didn't know what else to do- I'm sure you would think it silly and unnecessary but there is no other way for me to be in this moment from so far away.  I wish I was there now with other people who knew how wonderful you were.  Wherever you may be, don't forget us down here.  I hope you know how much I really loved you and that you made me feel special in a way that no one else could.  You were unique...special.  I know some people think that time lets it fade, but you will be with me forever.  I will carry you in my heart.