The Big D

So I was talking to my mother the other day and the topic came up regarding divorce and my feelings about it. It's not something I think about on a regular basis, but being the child of divorced parents has affected my life in some significant ways- I would be lying if I said otherwise. First of all, I am the only child between my parents and they both remarried and went on to have new families. Of course, in some way, I am a part of those families too, but it certainly is different for me than it is for my siblings. I am the odd one out for sure. It's not always a bad thing...I think that I have learned and taken things from both units that have made me the person that I am today and I would not have had that experience if things were only nuclear. But do I feel like a definite part of either one? Not really. I am kind of like a satellite that floats around each of them in my own way. This role suits me though, so perhaps things always end up the way they are meant to be. I'm kind of a periphery girl.

Also, my parents did not have a friendly separation and therefore never had an amiable relationship so I really find it hard to picture what they were like together. I can only count two times in my whole life that I've even seen them in the same room. That, to me, is kind of strange. I mean, I have seen their wedding photographs so I know there was a real relationship, but in some way I have to be honest and say that it is kind of like being a test tube creation. My mother and father are completely different people and I can see parts of myself that come from each of them but I can't picture them together to save my life. Even stranger are their completely different reasons for why it happened. I think I have figured it out though- I can't say it makes it makes me feel any better- but it sure does explain a lot of details that never quite fit together before. I don't need to hear the truth when I already know it, you know?

Both of my step-parents though have given me more than I could have asked for and I like them both- in that way I guess I am lucky. To me, they seem like second parents and I really don't make a separation between the two. I suppose for others it is completely different. I think it has to be different for everyone as no two people handle things the same. Do I think certain things should have been done differently for my sake? Sure. But I'm an adult now and I understand that they probably were doing what they thought was best at the time and I can't argue with that.

One thing that is definitely true though is that I sometimes find it difficult to relate to people whose families are still intact. They never have to feel the pull between the two that is hard to explain, even to my parents. It's a reality though, for me. As I said before, it's not something that really affects me on a daily basis but it does come up from time to time and it has changed now that I live in another country. Balance is something that I find hard to find in lots of areas in my life. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be my other siblings and how it looks from another perspective.

Anyway... totally strange topic but it was on my mind.